also 27 year old wei is going to think that 24 year old wei is a fucking idiot, so 24 year old wei should just get the memo early. everything is going to be trivial in a few years and none of this will fucking matter.

a constant series of personal emergencies.

( see: love live [keeping that typo, oh my god] + family life. wondering for a few months straight if it'd be easier to end it all before my happiness ends.

it'll be okay. you read these old entries over and over again, but you were okay. you'll be okay again. you'll get through this. keep your head above water and remember to breathe. )

almost there, almost there. ALMOST THERE.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

HEY FUTURE FISH

i have so many emotions and thoughts about the latest season of free haha.

i guess one of them is just how much i saw myself in rin this season despite disliking him so intensely the last. this is especially in regards to his relationship with haru. in many ways i've been the person bringing other people out of their funks a lot over the past year or so, and i think that was reflected a lot in him. this is especially because of how significant it was that haru was a large part of why rin stopped being an idiot last season.

the reason i disliked s1 rin so much was probably because of how much he was like me when i was fifteen. angry, raging, taking my negative feelings and jealousy out on other people. so in many ways his character development is a lot like how i see myself now? if that makes any sense? because he's just... there for everyone, i guess. he's so so grateful to his friends for helping him

also lol @ haru reminding me of failtwin. cries a lot. when rin dragged haru to australia it just all made so much sense??? because i want to take her on all the adventures and drag her around the world to all my old hiding spots as well, she's been in one place all her life and it's not fair i want to show her what's out there because she's so wonderful and she deserves so so so much better. lmfao.

but aaaah. i'm still a mess over this stupid show. i now want to cosplay rin. robin has agreed to be nitori so i think i'm going to do it :'D

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT

i've actually probably actually managed to pinpoint the fucking problem that has permeated my entire life up until this point. i am /SCARED SHITLESS/ of people figuring me out. that's what it is. like 'hello i am private person' and that's why i used to?? still???? okay maybe not so much. have so many walls and that sort of bullshit. like it's not even like there are any secrets i'm literally just scared of people figuring out who i am because i feel like if they did they would lose a lot of respect for me. and i think that also comes as a result of being so critical of other people.

because HONESTLY SPEAKING i don't think i'm a shittier person than anyone else out there. sure i've got some mean cynical thoughts and i can be kind of bitchy/gossipy but uh i think literally everyone else can be like that. but for some reason i don't want people figuring me out 100%. only one maybe two people have the 95%. the other 5% is denial so maybe they've figured that out too.

and that's why i think this scares me. THIS IS WHY I GET SO PARANOID WHEN TWO OF MY FRIENDS FROM TWO DIFFERENT CIRCLES GET TOGETHER AND COMPARE NOTES BECAUSE WELL I SHOW ALL CIRCLES DIFFERENT SIDES OF ME. this is literally it. this is the nail on the head.

honestly though WHAT?? IS THERE TO HIDE?? WHAT IS THERE TO BE SCARED ABOUT???? LIKE THIS IS LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PROBLEM it's like i'm guarding something and everyone assumes that it's some sort of fort knox of secrets but you stare inside and it's literally just trash. no deep dark secrets here (none that at least one person doesn't know, anyway.)

INCREDIBLE. HOW DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY-THREE YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. i am SUCH a fucking genius. so on one hand it's like LIGHTBULB WENT OFF but on the other hand it's like. are you FUCKING kidding me. someone give me my money back, i want a refund containing my common sense. until then i am returning to the memebin where i belong in PROTEST of what just happened over the past few years because I AM A FUCKING FUMB SHIT who can't even spell dumb properly holy cow.

at least i've realized what the problem is. christ i don't even know whether i want to talk about it with the people that sort of made it resurface because this... really isn't their fault. it's more mine than anything else. and i don't want to jeapordize anything. but i'm still scared. and i think this might be why i've been kind of bad with relationships. like i'm not unattractive (at least i don't think i am) but i'm p sure that i do give off the aura of someone who's kind of closed off.

like 'beep beep no going past wall 1 nyooooom'

this is why i still wanna write dumb messed up cal tbh, because i feel u bro.

i've been feeling kind of weird for a few days. alexis is right, i'm hanging out with the same group way too much. i thrive on variety and i'm already starting to feel stagnant. and while i love my group (a lot lot lot lot lot) sometimes i'm just like EYEROLLS just like how i'm pretty sure people roll their eyes about me all the time. it's nothing personal, we all just do things other people don't like. i don't think that i've got a close friend who hasn't been at least irritated at my behavior at least once.

god i hope the nickelodeon thing works out (because i need to make a record here that i DID get accepted to intern with nickelodeon and that if it doesn't work out this wasn't a fantasy or a pipe dream or anything fuckkk visas, fuck being an international) because i'm already starting to fall into the pattern i was falling into in my first few months here when i was bored as hell.

i yap a lot about being too busy and about having no time to myself but i think that i function better that way? idk idk. like i literally did almost nothing all day. at least my room is now a room i guess. just. thoughts thoughts thoughts.

i also want to rp like mad but all my usual partners are busy-ish with life so i feel kind of bad poking/prodding. especially because i know that IF october works out, i will be too busy and tired to want to rp anyway.

fingers crossed, here's to hoping that this semester is going to be a good one. i've got faith in me!