i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (wrong side? what wrong side?)

i just got back in touch with my old best friend from high school. she's had a rough few years-- she had to drop out of college because of personal stuff and is only now trying to get her life back on track. i hadn't spoken to her since 2011. i thought she'd just decided to drop everyone back like she dropped me back when we were dumb kids, and since it was so long ago i hadn't thought much of it. we were all dumb kids, after all, and 2009-2011 was my cynical phase. where i didn't trust anyone and where i thought everyone was out to get me. i legitimately didn't care.

talking to her again was sobering. there's always two sides to a story, i guess. we were both dumb stupid kids and i can't help but feel like if we were in the same place now... we could be friends again, i guess. five years can do a lot to a person. i forgive you, pin. i never thought that i'd say this in 2011, but i do. we've both grown and changed and become drastically different people, and we're both older? smarter.

i hope you can forgive me for being an ass too.

just a record, for posterity.

columbia university, alfred lerner hall.

i just want to say that the past... eight months? nine months? have been some of the best of my life. like i literally never thought that i could be this happy, but i am. so much has changed since i moved to new york city and today was just a really good day and i'm overwhelmed by how /good/ i feel about everything and everyone right now. sometimes i realize how good i have it and how many people out there care for me and... i'm just really overwhelmed with feelings. haha.

like i always talked in here about striking the balance between happy and being content and i think that for the first time since the cambridge program, i'm actually happy again. the reason i was feeling so bad about leaving was because it made my heart swell with a feeling that i was in constant search of for the next four or five years, whether i realized it or not. and now i've got it... god i don't want to let it go. i don't want to let this go.

it hasn't been an easy semester. heck, it hasn't been an easy two semesters. i've had tears and sadness and probably cried more than i did in the past? but at the same time i've laughed more. had more fun. done so much more. i had my first kiss in a nightclub in october (and i'm really, really glad i gave it to a random stranger, fyi-- just a mysterious face and a name and no bad memories to taint it) and i really, really like kissing. i won't say that i've become loose or anything because i haven't (still a virgin lmao) but i think i've become a lot more free with giving physical affection.

still a romantic? maybe. i don't know any more. i really don't want a relationship at this point in time at all, because i've just been having so much fun exploring. besides, in many ways, i think that in london i was kind of pretty much married to alexis lol. like janice always says that she's kind of in a relationship with simone i think we were kind of there as well, in the platonically bonded kind of way. and over here i guess i'm dealing a little bit with long-distance. i think we're handling it well though! good thing about friendships is that they aren't exclusive.

ahahaha i have a best friend now though. in fact, two. well i have a lot of best friends, but two people have kind of wormed their way into that special space. i don't want to tell anyone else who they are because god i know i'd make a ton of people butthurt. lmao god i know who would be number one on that list. but alexis and failtwin? you guys are special. like super special. ewww gross hahaha yeah shut up this is ridiculous.

speaking of failtwin might i also make a record here that NOBODY HAS EVER SURPRISED ME LIKE SHE DID BEFORE?? showing up in new york city without telling me was an A+ move and i'm so glad that she did the ninja thing where she checked to see that i was free. like oh god she could have come the week before that or something. i'm so happy that she did it and i might maybe get to see her again soon and!! it would be so amazing.

but yeah. i'm just in a really good place right now. still floating. still drifting. but at least i'm doing it in the right direction. i love everyone so much right now.