I'm standing on the brink, teetering between a future I'm unsure of and a past I'm not sure I want to leave behind.
Why haven't I chosen the past and just run?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
I don't know what I've been doing for the past few days. Work, bitchiness, more work and then work again. A vicious cycle, one that I'm unsure of and one that I don't understand.
Who am I, really? What have I done for this earth that defines me as a person, that makes me stand out as a human being?
I sit, I wonder, I think.
I keep sitting, thinking. My Mind draws a blank.
I am suddenly reminded of someone.
Someone that I haven't spoken to in ages, someone that I looked up to.
If I go, she'll be my senior all over again.
I sit, I ponder.
It's still blank.
Sarah's reading French words in the background.
If even she doesn't have the confidence to apply, why should I?
Why would they pick ME, a 40-point student without a credit to her name, over someone like Sarah or Priya or Jasryn or Jing min or Su?
Why would they pick me over ANYONE?
I lied when I said that I had nothing to lose.
I have too much to lose now.
A lifetime of hopes, a lifetime of dreams.
If this doesn't happen, I've got to start from square one.
And I have a sinking feeling it's not going to.
I sit, I ponder
I scream.