In recent weeks (months?) I understand that I've been in a state that has been somewhat less stable than normal, flip-flopping between ridiculously happy and oddly down. Not that I haven't always been a little bipolar- I get that from my father- but my emotional state as of late has been, to quote a friend, "jarring", and actually scary. Through this, I have probably succeeded in alienating many of those closest to me, pushing people away when I could have asked them for help.
I am not justifying my actions or moods with this post, seeing as it would not do me any good. Many of the people who might have been affected by the emotional spillover do not have a link to this blog, and those that do might not even be reading. If I wished to say this to people, some of which who I do wish to tell over messaging or in person, I would request to meet up with them. (Which, for the matter, I do, so if you're keen on this any time soon Xun we should go for bubble tea. Just you and me; I feel like I owe you what is probably the biggest explanation of all.) However, a large reason why I never asked for any emotional support was because there was one principle which I had managed to hold onto: the only person that could help me out of this rut was myself. No matter how much ranting or venting I subjected a certain friend to, nothing seemed to help, to the point where she started to question whether there was anything that she could do to help and whether our friendship was doing either of us any good.
Again I reiterate that I do not talk about my feelings because I am almost incapable of doing so, not without turning into a blubbering, crying mess. There is apparently emotional spillage, and my body language dictates that I might not be feeling at my best even if I try to act like I am. It is not usually a lack of trust that does this, and I can't expect people to understand that. However if it helps I will try to communicate it if I am not in the best of moods instead of pretending to be my usual chipper self. I understand that a lot of the time, I try to portray myself as this sunshiny being who doesn't see anything wrong, but that's really not who I am. Not all the time, at least. There is a reason I relate to Terezi and Dave rather than Jade and Feferi; I know what it's like to miss Vriska, and I know what it's like to put up an image to hide what I really am. That aside, though, I don't plan on licking things to try and see them, and neither do I plan on turning into a white rapper any time soon. But I'm digressing here.
I suppose I'm going to start being myself more, whatever 'myself' really is. Sure, without the sunshiny orange-ness, it's arguable that there's nothing spectacular about who I am, but at the same time there are other parts of my personality that can contribute to a relationship, or to progressing in life. Frankly speaking putting up a front has been getting more and more tiring as of late, especially when I really didn't feel that way myself. Not that I'm not still cheery and happy, but let's face it- you can't blame people for thinking I'm a manic pixie dream girl, not with the way I act. You can't blame them for thinking that I'm air-headed, or worse, a liar. Which I was (which I am), to be completely honest. The latter, I mean. But quite frankly speaking I've hit a point where I find myself buying orange things simply because they're orange, not even because I really want them. I still like orange, but I'm tired of using the colour as a shield for what I really want and what I really am.
It's for these reasons that I'm buying the Time hoodie instead of the Light. I always wanted the Time hoodie more, anyway. I just felt obligated to get the orange but frankly speaking, I like Dave just that little bit better. Sorry Vriska ):
Wow, if anyone's still reading, and they don't know Homestuck, I'm really very sorry.
Actually, I lied. I'm not. 8D
While we're at this, I'll also come out and say that I've recently developed a liking for the colour teal. You can quote me on this. I don't care about that as much as I pretend to, for the record. It's easy for me to keysmash when I'm writing and to spew a bunch of bullshit about how orange is the BEST THING EVER OMGUH but at the same time, it's become so much of a mask that I'm starting to resent the colour, just a little bit- I'm not always bouncy and cheery, and I know I'm not fooling anyone even if a lot of the time I act like rainbows are spewing out my ass. Or at least, I try to.
I've probably digressed from the original point, so I'll get back to it now.
As I've stated earlier, I know that I might have pushed people away in the process, people who could have been, or that were once good friends. While it does sadden me to think of that, the point remains that the past is the past. I apologise if I have said or done anyone any ill, and if you have been so stunned by this sudden change in my mental state that you feel it best not to continue your friendship with me any more, so be it. I can't change your mind, and I won't try to. It's sad, but every action has a consequence and all I can do is accept these.
There's no way to look but forward.
Emotions don't change overnight. However, realisations can occur and while I've been alone in Cambridge for a whole... 5 hours- while I've been alone here it hit me that I had been so caught up in hating people, hating law that I lost sight of the principles I always used to guide my life. Never have I been so caught up in self-pity since I was fifteen, and frankly speaking I'm a little disgusted at myself. But hey. No sense being disgusted, right? Not when I've got the rest of my future to look forward to, and the rest of my life to live with these principles in mind. I've got to keep moving forward, start being happy again, but I goddamn can't very well force it. However, what I can do is to step back, and smell the roses, and be glad for what I have; life's been really good to me so why should I fight what I've been given? I'm strong enough to bounce back from being hurt so why do I keep up these walls? It's not like backstabbing, betrayal, or leaving me affects me that much any more (re: the Kenny situation). If I don't believe that I have the inner strength to crawl back from anything that's gone wrong, I'll never be able to garner it. So I'm not going to say I'll try, but I will.
It's strange that these lessons took me a whole three years to learn, but hey. Everything happens for a reason. I'm pretty certain that while these three years haven't been easy, I've come out a better person. Or at least, I plan to. When one door shuts behind you, another opens. It's your choice whether you want to walk through them or not. And I'm tired of sitting at the crossroads, waiting for something to come by.
I'm going to walk there myself. Feel free to follow me through.
Normal service should resume in a few days' time.
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