just stepped knife down to minion, willingly. 

i kind of knew this was coming, with my loss of interest in virus and the lack of time i've had lately, plus the fact that i've been busy with the hacker group as well as real life commitments. hell, we all knew it was coming, even if i didn't talk about my plans to do this with anyone except a select few; i mean, it makes sense, both ooc and ic-wise. it's a good way for him to go, after mckma and everything, after the raid on firewall, after that amazing fucking rp with raven and chime which is still one of my two favourite threads of all time. after all the drama with lillith, kohaku, vius, everyone, i'm glad he's reached a point in his development where i realise it's time for me to let him go-- and to let him grow, on his own, without me. 

but i'm kind of feeling really emotional about it? ahaha. it almost feels like the end of an era. no, it is the end of an era. i knew when i changed my main account to neil that this would be the last time i changed it from knife, because previously i always changed account from knife thinking that i was way too attached to the character but this time i changed it knowing that his story in virus was pretty much done--

yes, done. i mean, he'll still be around, but when real life is catching up to both him and to me i think that it makes no sense for either of us to stick around as a combatant. and it makes me really happy, but it also makes me kind of sad. see, he's my fucking baby. i once told danya that he was everything i hated most about myself in one package and in a way i was right. but after a while i realised that he wasn't just that. he's the conglomeration of everything i love most, and hate most about me, exemplified, what i consider to be my biggest achievements and biggest faults rolled into one, and it's horrible and fantastic and completely unintentional and it's always been something i thought was incredible yet strange because i never knew all these things about me 

looking at him used to be looking into a broken mirror of myself. when he broke up with lillith i had just ended things with my boyfriend at the time, and even if i didn't realise it i channeled a lot of that negativity into the character. i pushed all my trust issues, my hatred, my anger at a course i didn't want to do, i pushed them all into someone who always felt like he had to work ten times harder than anyone else to get to where he wanted to be, even if he made it look so easy. i took my problems with attachment and channeled them into cold sadistic rage and used them to fuel his thoughts when he was ripping chime apart. and as i let knife go, i feel like in a way, i'm letting them all go, as he himself has done. we're not the same person as we used to be. we've both grown up, albeit in different ways, and i'm actually kind of emotional and i want to cry and i want to laugh because

i did it

he did it

we grew up okay despite all our teenage angst and it's really nice and i'm tearing up and

i just

love knife so much okay, i love ianti so much, i love all of you so much even the ones who gave me hell and back because if it wasn't for you guys i wouldn't be who i was today. but when i changed his group to minion i felt like i was carving a part of my childhood out of my chest and i've left something behind and i

i'm crying again and i don't know if

these are happy or sad tears or just

wow maybe this should have been in the comfort zone