wow uh okay what was that.
i guess it's something i sort of knew but it wasn't something that i was... expecting? i mean, i'm kind of glad that it's out there but at the same time... huh.
growing up is hard. people drift apart. i think i know that all too well. it's happened to me so many times that i don't feel like it's something that i really need to feel sad about any more. and i know that it can come across as me not trying or me preparing for an eventuality but it isn't. it's just a fact of life.
i understand that by staying in college and doing something else yes, people have left me behind. i was kind of hit in the face by that when i went back to england and met up with serene lol, and have repeatedly been hit by that realization. but it's life. i don't think i'm really sad about it. and i know that people may say that i keep repeating it like i'm trying to convince myself of it, but the reason i keep repeating it in my personal thoughts and personal blog and when i'm talking to people is because i want them to realize it. because. it. happens.
but if it happens it won't be from lack of effort on my part. but at the same time there's only so much that effort can do? you put in 50% and they put in 50% but if you aren't working on the same equation something's going to give. and if it means a friendship, that's okay. you can try and fight for it but if it doesn't work it doesn't work there's no such thing as a perfect friendship and i can see acutely that me and everyone around me and in fact every person in the world is beating to the beat of a different drum. none of us walk the same paths and much as i say that right now i have some of the best friends that i'll ever have, i can tell you that i won't be as close to many of them in years to come.
that's okay though. isn't the meaning of true friendship someone you can talk to years later and it'll still be like old times? and i suppose that's also why the idea of being tied down scares me. i enjoy liberation. i enjoy independence. you were right when you said that it's a burden to think that i was neglecting you. yes, it was, especially for me, but i did it because i cared. because not being sad about a negative potential occurrence does not mean that i want to prevent it from happening.
but i'm a kicker. i'm a fighter. i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (there's no wrong side: don't be silly. it's what you make of it, what you think of it.) shit happens and i get stressed out and life gets me down, but i can fight through it.
that's really all i want people to understand about me
and all that i need to put out there.
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