You know, I suppose that in time people leave us, things change, and everything you once knew is shaken. I've learned that the hard way, with me being the one leaving at the end of Form 3, then Uplands in Year 11, and then CamTrad where I bawled my eyes out and hugged everyone to death, because I didn't think I'd see anyone again- I don't think I've ever cried so much in such a short time period, save for the time when my grandfather died.

((see, i've never been good at [coping with forever]))

But that isn't the point. The point is, after school today, I went home, played tennis, then had Li Yun and Xiang Yih (who I haven't seen since forever) come over to my house to finish my gift to Jianing. Played a little Guitar Hero, then tried to paste everything together while we rushed around trying to get a printer because mine was broken, pasting together the pieces of the puzzle we've been living in for years.

I'm not going to post pictures of it here, or let any of you know what was in the scrapbook and shoebox we decorated and hand-made for her, because it's between the people that made it, and Natassha (Choong) who we saw at dinner and who said that she would send her gigolos to Jianing if she became too- To use a politcally correct term, non-Chinese. XD. But, well, some of the things I said in that book were personal, and when she started reading it out I had to tell her to stop. Whatever it is, I think she liked it. And I'm happy.

And I know I'm going to miss her.

Thing is, when people I went to school with have left before, I was never really that close to any of them- oh fine, I was close to them, but not in the heart-wrenching-bloond-bonding kind of way I'm close to friends like Jianing and Li Yun and Shu Lin, not in the kind of way where if they stepped out of my life, there'd be a certain void- not a difference, but a type of emptiness inside me (and) I don't know what I'd do to replace it.

There, I've admitted it. I rely on my friends. For the past nine years or so, I've been good friends with this girl. From the days where I'd still climb into the closet so I didn't have to face my fears, the days where we sat next to each other in English class and were always told to shut up, that one big fight in Form 3 which got blown out of proportion for childish reasons, to the time when we called each other just to scream, to the times after we made up and things were still awkward, to late-night phone calls that made things seem like the fight never happened, to the trip to KL where we recorded songs and ate soba. We've shared laughter, tears, cookies, and a bed- and we have so many in-jokes with Li Yun that when the three of us talk, we're the only ones that ever find it funny.

23.

Nobody else even cracked a smile, did they?

I grow attached to people too easily. I have a problem with that. I care about people- even those that I haven't known for long- I can care so much sometimes that it starts to hurt. I don't know. And for someone that I've known that long- I know it's not forever, but it's going to be weird looking at the phone and wondering why I can't call her anymore, looking at time zones so that I'll know when I can go on Skype, signing on to MSN just before school when I check my e-mails so I can say hi. SOBA isn't going to be the same, is it? Li Yun and I were on the phone, and it hit us- at the same time- that it was going to be like that from then on, just her and me and Shin Dee and the others but ultimately, some of us won't be there anymore.

I don't know how I feel. Sad, somewhat. Happy that she'll be having a great time in Canada. Somewhat shocked. But I haven't cried. I promised myself I wouldn't cry about people leaving, not ever again. It isn't forever. I can't cope with forever, but a few months will be fine.

(Damn- if this is what Jianing leaving is like, I wonder what Shu Lin leaving will be?)

It's not forever. It's not going to be that bad. I know I'll miss her, but it's just missing someone. I know I have other friends that love me.

So why do I feel somewhat empty?

Would it be too clingy, if I actually started to cry? I promised myself that I wouldn't but I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.