one `

dare i call you my platonic soul mate?

you're the peanut butter to my jelly, i guess. only not quite, because that would imply that we were opposites. to be fair, that is what we are in so many ways. if anyone met us separately they would probably never guess we were friends. but inwardly we gel together and most of all, we understand. i'm water, you're glue. we're the dynamic duo, the ones that come in a set. but we aren't the same.

too many people make that mistake. i am torn between wanting to mock them or to correct them. and it is because of these differences that i wonder sometimes if i am being too overbearing. these thoughts do not linger for long however. if i was, you would not embrace my presence like you do, would you, or at least it is what i hope to think. sometimes i cannot help but worry, but that is just my nature.

i care either too much or too little at a given time, and for you it is the former.

confidence isn't your strong suit. you tell me you aren't pretty. though you are gorgeous, i want to respond. when you smile it looks like sunshine and when you laugh it's like a summer wind has enveloped me in an embrace. this isn't something you can see in the mirror, but your happiness is contagious. when we are together i find myself grinning so much that my cheeks start to ache, and that my lips are cracked from smiling too widely. but i can't help it. it's the effect that you have on me. the feeling that someone understands me on a level that nobody can hope to.

sometimes i worry for you, but most of the time i am certain that you will be okay. you are one of the toughest, strongest, most amazing people that i know. while i am older i know you bear burdens much heavier than mine, but you do so beautifully with such grace. so my protective instinct kicks in, like that of an older sister. you don't have to tell me that nobody has ever really looked out for you, and i don't want to assume. though may you allow me to come to that deduction? and most of all, will you give me permission--

if nobody has looked out for you before, please let me be the first.

i know i'm not one to talk. i'm not someone who remembers to look before she leaps. i'm too brash, too crude, and sarcastic remarks fall faster from my lips than kind words. it is in those ways where we are one and the same. but i have experience that you do not, just as you have your own, as well as a tenacity that i have always admired. all i have to protect you with are words, but words can do so much.

there are times when i i talk more than i can deliver. but i truly mean it when i say that one day we'll be together again, for the long term. we'll be in the same city and lead lives that finally intertwine with one another's, the way i only thought friendships happened in fiction.

hopefully by then, our conversations will end with 'goodnight' instead of 'goodbye'.

we are beautiful ; we are doomed.

absence makes the heart grow fonder, fondness makes the absence longer. 

once again i've had the urge to do the letters to people thing. though not the way i used to do it on ianti where i would write just one or two lines for everyone-- i want to write long, detailed letters that are almost like declarations of love. like love letters, almost, only not quite.

i kind of want to post them in a more public medium that isn't ianti, but i don't really want to stretch my dash. maybe i'll create a second tumblr just for writing, musings, and these letters i guess...? the struggle is super real. or i could post them in a writing topic. aaaaah ianti seems too impersonal for that though. and what of my friends who aren't even really on ianti. and my friends who no longer are.

i'm not even 100% sure if i want people to read the letters i wrote for them ;__; maybe i'll write them here first and then decide lol woops.

(k, if you're reading this, suggestions? thoughts? you're the only person i know who actually checks this blog lol, i think everyone else left it for dead years ago.)

i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (wrong side? what wrong side?)

i just got back in touch with my old best friend from high school. she's had a rough few years-- she had to drop out of college because of personal stuff and is only now trying to get her life back on track. i hadn't spoken to her since 2011. i thought she'd just decided to drop everyone back like she dropped me back when we were dumb kids, and since it was so long ago i hadn't thought much of it. we were all dumb kids, after all, and 2009-2011 was my cynical phase. where i didn't trust anyone and where i thought everyone was out to get me. i legitimately didn't care.

talking to her again was sobering. there's always two sides to a story, i guess. we were both dumb stupid kids and i can't help but feel like if we were in the same place now... we could be friends again, i guess. five years can do a lot to a person. i forgive you, pin. i never thought that i'd say this in 2011, but i do. we've both grown and changed and become drastically different people, and we're both older? smarter.

i hope you can forgive me for being an ass too.

just a record, for posterity.

columbia university, alfred lerner hall.

i just want to say that the past... eight months? nine months? have been some of the best of my life. like i literally never thought that i could be this happy, but i am. so much has changed since i moved to new york city and today was just a really good day and i'm overwhelmed by how /good/ i feel about everything and everyone right now. sometimes i realize how good i have it and how many people out there care for me and... i'm just really overwhelmed with feelings. haha.

like i always talked in here about striking the balance between happy and being content and i think that for the first time since the cambridge program, i'm actually happy again. the reason i was feeling so bad about leaving was because it made my heart swell with a feeling that i was in constant search of for the next four or five years, whether i realized it or not. and now i've got it... god i don't want to let it go. i don't want to let this go.

it hasn't been an easy semester. heck, it hasn't been an easy two semesters. i've had tears and sadness and probably cried more than i did in the past? but at the same time i've laughed more. had more fun. done so much more. i had my first kiss in a nightclub in october (and i'm really, really glad i gave it to a random stranger, fyi-- just a mysterious face and a name and no bad memories to taint it) and i really, really like kissing. i won't say that i've become loose or anything because i haven't (still a virgin lmao) but i think i've become a lot more free with giving physical affection.

still a romantic? maybe. i don't know any more. i really don't want a relationship at this point in time at all, because i've just been having so much fun exploring. besides, in many ways, i think that in london i was kind of pretty much married to alexis lol. like janice always says that she's kind of in a relationship with simone i think we were kind of there as well, in the platonically bonded kind of way. and over here i guess i'm dealing a little bit with long-distance. i think we're handling it well though! good thing about friendships is that they aren't exclusive.

ahahaha i have a best friend now though. in fact, two. well i have a lot of best friends, but two people have kind of wormed their way into that special space. i don't want to tell anyone else who they are because god i know i'd make a ton of people butthurt. lmao god i know who would be number one on that list. but alexis and failtwin? you guys are special. like super special. ewww gross hahaha yeah shut up this is ridiculous.

speaking of failtwin might i also make a record here that NOBODY HAS EVER SURPRISED ME LIKE SHE DID BEFORE?? showing up in new york city without telling me was an A+ move and i'm so glad that she did the ninja thing where she checked to see that i was free. like oh god she could have come the week before that or something. i'm so happy that she did it and i might maybe get to see her again soon and!! it would be so amazing.

but yeah. i'm just in a really good place right now. still floating. still drifting. but at least i'm doing it in the right direction. i love everyone so much right now.

oh, hello there

just a note in this blog to say that i'm actually happy, more than content right now.

london i'll miss you.

just stepped knife down to minion, willingly. 

i kind of knew this was coming, with my loss of interest in virus and the lack of time i've had lately, plus the fact that i've been busy with the hacker group as well as real life commitments. hell, we all knew it was coming, even if i didn't talk about my plans to do this with anyone except a select few; i mean, it makes sense, both ooc and ic-wise. it's a good way for him to go, after mckma and everything, after the raid on firewall, after that amazing fucking rp with raven and chime which is still one of my two favourite threads of all time. after all the drama with lillith, kohaku, vius, everyone, i'm glad he's reached a point in his development where i realise it's time for me to let him go-- and to let him grow, on his own, without me. 

but i'm kind of feeling really emotional about it? ahaha. it almost feels like the end of an era. no, it is the end of an era. i knew when i changed my main account to neil that this would be the last time i changed it from knife, because previously i always changed account from knife thinking that i was way too attached to the character but this time i changed it knowing that his story in virus was pretty much done--

yes, done. i mean, he'll still be around, but when real life is catching up to both him and to me i think that it makes no sense for either of us to stick around as a combatant. and it makes me really happy, but it also makes me kind of sad. see, he's my fucking baby. i once told danya that he was everything i hated most about myself in one package and in a way i was right. but after a while i realised that he wasn't just that. he's the conglomeration of everything i love most, and hate most about me, exemplified, what i consider to be my biggest achievements and biggest faults rolled into one, and it's horrible and fantastic and completely unintentional and it's always been something i thought was incredible yet strange because i never knew all these things about me 

looking at him used to be looking into a broken mirror of myself. when he broke up with lillith i had just ended things with my boyfriend at the time, and even if i didn't realise it i channeled a lot of that negativity into the character. i pushed all my trust issues, my hatred, my anger at a course i didn't want to do, i pushed them all into someone who always felt like he had to work ten times harder than anyone else to get to where he wanted to be, even if he made it look so easy. i took my problems with attachment and channeled them into cold sadistic rage and used them to fuel his thoughts when he was ripping chime apart. and as i let knife go, i feel like in a way, i'm letting them all go, as he himself has done. we're not the same person as we used to be. we've both grown up, albeit in different ways, and i'm actually kind of emotional and i want to cry and i want to laugh because

i did it

he did it

we grew up okay despite all our teenage angst and it's really nice and i'm tearing up and

i just

love knife so much okay, i love ianti so much, i love all of you so much even the ones who gave me hell and back because if it wasn't for you guys i wouldn't be who i was today. but when i changed his group to minion i felt like i was carving a part of my childhood out of my chest and i've left something behind and i

i'm crying again and i don't know if

these are happy or sad tears or just

wow maybe this should have been in the comfort zone