hmm.

it's funny how things and people have changed.

i spent a lot of the past two days going through what i wrote while i was in the IB. lots of self-indulgent nonsense, time spent fretting over something that could have been solved if i'd gone up to the person in question and confronted her about it like a rational person. it's laughable, actually. to think that i put so much emphasis on a friendship that really didn't last. she was my best friend but people change and people move on. i should have given her that instead of wallowing in self-pity, and learned to suck it up and move on.

i move on faster these days. too quickly, some may argue. but hey. i see no sense being upset all the time. if shit happens, you resolve it, and you go on with life. bam, bam. bam. easy as that. and if it's something that can't be solved immediately, you either spend time solving it or just pack the fuck up and move on. i spent two, three years from what happened back then being distant, being numb- and then one day i realised that if i wasn't going to let anyone in, i'd just be lonely for the rest of my life. walking this sea of people alone. so i'm trying, i guess. i don't know how much i believe in auras and the like but when we finally got to meet up in the summer, dahlia said that mine was scattered, chaotic but stable in its mess, but somehow incomplete. healing, she said? haha. i wonder if my aura would feel different now. it's just been a few months but hey, i wonder sometimes, about the supernatural and all that. the personality psychological stuff that she really believes in, that too.

on that topic, apparently my aura?

it's blue.

considering how much i love orange i think it's funny, but fitting at the same time.


dark blue, dark blue. my life's theme song, perhaps? or maybe i just relate too closely to knife.

lol. i would never have thought i'd relate more to him than morrigan when i first wrote in here, but with time i've come to accept that it's true.

i'm also still on ianti. what the fucking hell lol.

sometimes i wonder whether i was more emotionally unstable because i was young, or because i had more free time to think. or maybe i wasn't even that, and it was all some sick cry for attention. probably the latter, actually. during the IB, i remember being happy most of the time. i wonder if i'll look back at my university years and remember being happy most of the time. i probably will. or perhaps it was just a roller-coaster ride of emotions like i am so prone to having all the time.

i'm not feeling particularly happy at myself right now, that's for certain, but i think that despite the usual angst and the emotions that every human is prone to, i am largely happy. (i really need to remember that fact, sometimes, especially the week before my ovaries explode.) and despite my whining and tears about everything being a waste of time, it's great here... i love it in london. i actually do. now if only lse would accept me already-

wow come to think of it this really IS coming full circle. i wrote in here through my applications, and i've revisited it while i'm applying for grad school. well, here i am, and here i am writing. it's definitely not for an audience because i would have posted it on tumblr if it was, but why not on one of my later blogs? i suppose it's because i used to write here while i still wasn't afraid to show others what i thought, what i felt. or at least, open enough to write cryptic messages of self-reproach in public for the world to read rather than just bottling it up beneath a facade of happiness and lulz. i wrote here before i felt the need to put on that brocade, that mask, to use a cliched metaphor.


alexis said that when she first met me, i felt guarded. like i had something to hide. barriers struck really high up and walls built so high that i couldn't climb over them even if i tried. she met me in the middle of the summer, i stopped writing here at the beginning of it. i've always been rather shaky in my trust, yes, or at least i have been since i was fifteen or sixteen. however i never really realised how open i was about my thoughts and feelings despite this until i hit eighteen or so. these things that seem so personal... i can't believe that i showed them to so many people. exposed my heart.

now i pick and choose who i trust, but at least there are people i trust now. i believe this to be wiser. though maybe in three years i'll revisit this again and believe that to be even more foolish. people change and grow, after all, and i think i've grown a fuck ton. i even did a personality test that i took way back when and i got a different result, after all.

so here's wei yun, in 2012... hailing in a new (ish) year. maybe i'll come back to this place once again. maybe this will be the last time, though i sincerely doubt so. either way, i'm glad for this place.

it's let me see how i've changed and grown.