MOVED PERMANENTLY!

http://theepicadventuresof.blogspot.com/

Dreams.

I always wake up at the good part.

And please take this post literally. I'm not emo. In fact, I'm happier than I've been in ages.

Hence the lack of blogging. It's mostly an outlet for my pent-up energy channeled into anger. You know that?

WHEE.

BAD WEI YUN. BAD BITCHY WEI YUN. BAD WEI YUN IS BAD.

-bashes head against wall-

Ahemmm.

For those of you wanting to know who the person in my previous post was...

Hahaha. You'd like to know, wouldn't you?

Is it even a person, in the first place?

Or am I reflecting upon le dead IB?

Fine, I'll give you a hint. Think back, back to the very beginning...

Have the lights cleared? Has the horizon started to show?

Yes? No? Maybe?

Will you all find out tomorrow?

... Somehow I doubt it. Unless I'm drunk on alcohol, or happiness, or anger. Whatever it'll take me to drag me out of sanity. Kai Sheng would know.

华语。

算了！我也不管你了！

Things.

Things I managed to screw up this afternoon:

1) My knee. I fell while walking up the stairs. OWWW
2) My pen. It fell while I was doing Chem and now it doesn't work
3) My Chemistry paper 2

That nightmare you had, girl?

Yeah, that was a reminder from your conscience to stop fooling around and for you to pull your shit together. You've got three papers, three days left to study. What the fuck is wrong with you, and why the fuck aren't you making the most of them?

Jeez.

Cuz I was special, cuz I am special, uh-oh!

lace up your shoes.

kick scream bite
GRARRGH
force them on,

((fuck they're small))

step in step out?
no stay who (or what) you are
you've got bigger boots to fill, kiddo.

little orange girl r u n o u t into the streets.
town. hustle bustle peopleperson
ohmygodwhereareyou
whoareyouwhatareyoudoinghere
wearingaskinthatyou'renot.

p i t t e r p a t t e r o f y o u r f o o t o n c o b b l eSTONE.

are you lost? or do you
not want to be found?

step in, step out.

lace up your tangles.
throw back your hair,
and pretend that everything's okay.

stride, strut.
she looks friendly don't you think?
lean back on pole next to girl.

squeezeoutasmile.

"good day we're having, aren't we?"

Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N:
Wu

Are you single?
And unavailable. And celibate.

What is your favorite number?
23

What is your favorite color?
Need I say more? :]

Least favorite color?
Err grey.

What are you listening to?
Nine Inch Nails - Closer

Are you happy with your life right now?
Okay lah. Just math is a bitch

What was/is your favorite subject in school/college?
English!

Do you shop at Abercrombie?
No, do we have that here?

Do you have money?
Some but not much.

Are you gay?
No, but if you were gay I'd be okay

Where do you wish you were right now?
A week forward in time.

THE CANS:

Can you blow a bubble?
Yesssss.

Can you do a cart wheel?
Heck no!

Can you touch your toes?
Believe it or not, yes.

Can you wiggle your ears?
A little I guess.

Can you touch your tongue to your nose?
Nope.

THE DIDS:

Did you ever want to be a doctor?
Yes

Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?
No

Did you ever want to be a teacher?
Yes

THE DOS:
never met Moss.

Do you like roller coasters?
OMFG YESSSS.

Do you own a bike?
Nope!

Do you play the lotto?
Nope!

Do you like football?
Haha yes.

Do you have a shopping addiction?
HECK YEAH.

THE DOES:

Does your family have family picnics?
nope. Sounds like a good idea though.

Does your wallet have any pics in it?
Yeah.

THE LASTS:

Last text message from?
Natassha

Last baby you held?
Yi Juin

LAST THING?

What was the last thing you bought?
ICE CREAMMM. Gelato.

What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water.

What was the last thing you watched?
Fullmetal Alchemist

What was the last thing you read?
This blog post.

What was the last thing you hand wrote?
LOL HL English A1 Paper 2

THE WHOS:

Who last talked to you on the phone?
Dad.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH JAS LOLOLOLOLOL

who do you miss right now?
Nobody.

Who last messaged you on aim?
I don't use AIM. MSN- Yench

CURRENTLY:

What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue

Have any tattoos?
No

Have you any piercings?
No

Straight hair or curly?
Damn straight!

Where are you?
Room

HAVE YOU EVER:

had a dream come true?
Err sort of

Failed a class?
LOL MATH

Accomplished a life goal?
Hahaha. YESSS.

Sang in front of a crowd solo?
.... YES

SIX THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:

1. Orange macbook
2. Gum
3. Math book
4. Orange bedsheets
5. Clothes
6. ME


TWO RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:

1.Want a relationship?
Depends on the guy.

2.Wanna get married?
Read Question 1

FOUR THINGS ON YOUR MIND:

1. WHY IS THIS NOTE SO LONG (x4)

When was the last time you really laughed?
Afternoon.

Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
EWWW.

Who knows a big secret about you?
Errrr nobody.

Do you have a friend that you haven't seen in a while?
-_- CAMTRADDDDD

How long is your hair?
Shoulder-length

When was the last time you sang out loud?
HAHAHAHA TODAY IN GURNEY WITH JAS LOLOLOL

What did you have for breakfast?
Bah Chang

Is your birthday on a holiday?
Heck YESS.

What instant messaging service do you use?
MSN

Are you signed on it right now and if so, who are you talking to?
Danny Yench Cheryl Film

Can you cook?
Yeah

Did you have a nap today?
Yes

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans

When is your birthday?
23rd May

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Dad

Do you have any regrets?
Dunno

Do you use an alarm clock?
... Phone?

What's the first thing you notice of the opposite sex?
Err body and face la duh

What color are your favorite shoes?
ORANGE

Who would you like to see right now?
Captain Underpants

Are you a social or antisocial person?
Who am I with at the time? LOL

Have the cops ever come to your house?
Nope.

Do you have a tan?
No.

Ever had braces?
Yes

Are you afraid of the dark?
Love the dark.

Did you miss someone today?
Nope.

What's your favorite commercial at the moment?
SIX FLAGS LOL I WANNA GOOO

Do you always wear your seat belt?
Most of the time

Who was the last person to disappoint you?
( )

You know what you want to do with your life?
HELL YESH

How is life going for you right now?
Okay lah!

Do you like American Idol?
Haha yeahhh.

What was the last reason you cried?
Not telling

How do you feel about piercings and tattoos?
Not for me.

Do you believe that what goes around comes around?
If you eat too much you become a balloon and go round and round

What is your favorite fruit?
Oranges.

Where is one place you want to visit?
Home.

Done anything illegal?
LOL YES

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Either

HEY GUYS

Wei Yun is busy

Wei Yun is stressed

But not doing anything about it

WHY

BECAUSE

SHE IS STUPID!

LOLOLOLOLOL

Do you like rabbits? I like rabbits

Nobody passed the last "How well do you know Wei Yun" quiz. Well. One person did, and she doesn't even know me that well. I'm suspecting that she guessed.

Am I that hard to understand?

Oh well. I created an easy Wei Yun quiz. People had better pass this one.

Frick, I've started writing a lot again. Not just writing stories and stuff but profiles, and snippets of poetry, and other stuff. Journals, posts, whatever, all sorts of random things that I'm not supposed to be writing. It's such a bad time for this to be happening because I know I should be studying; where's my self-control? Where's my motivation to do well? I see the writing on the wall- I need 7, 6, 6, a 6 in English if I don't want my ego to be bruised and my dreams to be shattered. And yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I won't get my heart's desire. I'm scared that this lack of control will get me nowhere. I'm afraid of going nowhere.

I'm afraid of not being good enough for myself. Is that too difficult for me to understand?

Went to school today to have Math tuition and talk to Mr. Newton, and ended up chatting to Suzie, Phanu and Jarir in the IB room while I was taking a break. I'm not that close to any of them, but we ended up discussing where everyone would end up in twenty years... Apparently, they can see me as a lawyer, Phanu as a architect (who may or may not be married to Kylie) and Suzie in business. We then went over everyone in our IB photo and talked about each of them- who would they be? What would life take them to?

And we, four people from somewhat different cliques and with different ideas and dreams, discussed what would become of people, what we thought they wanted, what their futures would hold and what we wanted for ourselves. Here's some of the things that were said:

WY: I'm doing law since I'm not sure what I want, and I think my parents want me to be a lawyer. Plus I can go into journalism or anything I want with a law degree, so why not?
Jarir: Become a poet!
WY: Haha I wish! But I need to feed myself, don't I?

WY: I can see Allison as a mother.
Suzie: I know, there's something incredibly motherly about her, isn't there.
WY: Yeah! She'd make a good mum.
Suzie: I can see May Li as a mum!
WY: Yeah I know! Fussing over kids, somehow; she'd be one of those mothers with two or three children and adjusting their hats and coats, making sure they weren't cold...

Phanu: Can you see me married?
WY: Well duh.
Phanu: To Kylie? :D
Suzie: You're going to the same place for university, right?
Phanu: Yes yes :D :D
WY: It'd be interesting to see what the next few years hold. University is the time where people change, their ideals shift the most. If you stay together in university then you'll probably be happy for life...
Suzie: So the answer is "MAYBE".
WY: I'm not going to get married! I can't see myself married. :D

Of course I haven't written down everything that was said; there are some things that should be kept to ourselves, interesting as they were. But this shows something: The future's pretty much out there, isn't it? It's time for us to grasp it, grab hold of it, because the things we do in the next few years will mark the path we walk down for the rest of our lives. After exams, we'll all be gone, spread out to different countries, different continents, different jobs, and there will only be a silver of our laughter haunting the corridors for eternity.

There's one thing for sure, though. While the future is uncertain, we still have our now.

Which means this: I should be studying.

Meh.

There's a point to this post.

Just bear with the photos and read on. Neither of them are particularly good pictures, but still. I believe that I tend to look better in photos than in real life because I'm not very pretty and am a good camwhore, so I've picked photos in which I don't look my best because I don't REALLY look my best.

BUT ANYWAY. Read on- yeah I'm looking at you Jianing. :]

I'd like to introduce two girls.


This is me in Year 11, when I was still pretty new. I had friends, but I wasn't close to any of them yet. I couldn't trust anyone in Uplands except for Pin and maybe Priscilla and Xiao-Tian- and I was still pretty miserable about some friend problems I had in my old school. I don't think I look happy in this picture. I'm smiling, but there's something sad about my smile. It comes through, in all my old photos, especially the ones from back then. My smile doesn't reach my eyes.


And here's a favourite photo of mine.... Me. As of yesterday. It's not one in which I look great, but it's my new Facebook display picture. I thought it looked wonderful at first, but I looked closely and realized how fat I look. How small my eyes are.

So why do I like it so much?

Because I'm looking at the picture, and I see myself laughing and I'm smiling and I can picture Jasryn lifting up her hand to take the photo and missing and getting only me, and I know I look totally ugly and stupid in the picture as I do normally, I've always been ugly but there's ONE difference, one BIG FAT difference between the me in this photo and the me in the first photo and it's this. I'm not TRYING to look happy. I actually am.

Because now, I have people. Even though XT and Pris left, I have friends in school that I like and can trust to have my back. I've made new friends since Year 11, Jasryn and Su and Sarah and Sara and Darren, and of course I'm still friends with Jing Min and Kylie and Pin, and I've gotten to know Priya and a few others; all of this and the friendships I've made have brought that smile to my eyes instead of it just hanging at my lips. You guys have been amazing, absolutely wonderful, and I couldn't have asked for better friends or a better group of people to be surrounded with in Uplands. I remember a stage where I wanted a "best friend" in school because I felt lonely- then I woke up, looked around and realized I didn't need just one person.

I have all of you.

I was thinking of making shout-outs of love for you, but forget it. You all know how much I treasure each and every one of you anyway. You made me smile- and even if we never see each other again after high school is over, you can bet that you'll always have that special place in my heart.

Here's to the prude. The lunch-and-slacking partner. The innocent lala. The poet laureate. The camwhore. The pigeon. The tennis pro. The one that kicked me when we were young. The first friend. The people that made the last two or three years worth plodding though. The ones that never fail to make me smile.

You're amazing.

I need to be more careful about what I say, when I say it, or how I do.

Err. Sorry.

Where has Sarah been?

She seems to have disappeared. 0_o

On another note, drama stuff is moving. About damn time too.

Fucking hell, I miss you, stupid bed slave. Get your ass back here.

Fuck feeling like nobody understands.

I. Am. Freaking. BLEH.

I need human contact.

Why Oh My Orange?

It's like Oh My God.

Only Orange is God.

DUHH!

Wei Yun is incredibly bored.

Wei Yun wants a Skype or phone buddy... Talking on MSN isn't the same.

Must be willing to listen to rants, to have random ideas thrown at them, be willing to talk from 12-3 in the morning.

Yeah, I don't think that I can find anyone.

Wei Yun is pathetic...

And incredibly bored :]

Facebook chat, baby.

Couldn't retrieve chat history

18:04WeiYun

you!!!

18:04Priya

I IZ FOUND.

18:04WeiYun

YEAH BABY

18:04Priya

-grinds-

o___o

18:05WeiYun

how be you!

18:05Priya

tired but good; holidays for me.

you?

18:06WeiYun

holidays for me

but they aren't holidays

18:06Priya

SAME YEAH.

IB holidays = not holidays at all.

18:06WeiYun

i know. especially in your second year right!

come on. history student

test me.

on... something.

18:07WeiYun

even though you're in SL

18:07Priya

okay.

General MacArthur.

What did he do?

18:07WeiYun

he woke up in the morning

went to work

breathed

ate

HEY IT'S TRUE

okay seriously though

18:07Priya

two points for that origin and purpose.

18:07WeiYun

he was the general during the korean war

and he wanted to BOMB THE HELL OUT OF KOREA

BECAUSE HE DID NOT LIKE COMMUNIST KIMCHI

18:08Priya

yes he did and he was amazing but he preferred BIBIMBAP.

18:08WeiYun

YEAH BABY

and and and and and he had twenty cats

grew tomatoes to throw at neighbours

and predicted the future using his toenails

18:09Priya

and experimented with fermented pineapples to throw at Truman

18:13WeiYun

and he was the one that tested the nuclear weapons in north korea

BECAUSE HE IS IMMORTAL

18:13Priya

AND HE'Z GEY.

18:16WeiYun

WITH BUSH

A GAY BUSH

LIKE THE ONE THAT HAS LEAVES

18:16Priya

A GAY NUCLEAR BUSH.

WITH LEAVES.

AND MISSILES.

18:16WeiYun

THAT LEAVES MISSILES

AND... TOMATOES

Okay.

IF YOU DID NOT SEE THIS AS A PHALLIC SYMBOL

THEN DAMN YOU'RE INNOCENT

As most of you may know I've gone on an ice-cream eating spree, much to the disapproval of Prudy, but she's probably just jealous that she got the basement in my eight-person house. I've had ice-cream for 19 days in a row, and counting... To be honest, out of morbid curiosity, I want to see how long I can go without getting sick of my favourite icy confection. I give myself three months.

My ice cream has ranged from the icy...

To the creamy...

To the ones with cheesecake on the side.
The latest addition to my range of ice cream, however, has really taken the cake. No pun intended.

Let's put it this way. When you tear its cover open, you see this yellow pointy thing that's just calling your name... You bite down, hard, and this yellow fluid spills out all over your tongue and into your throat.


I KID YOU NOT. WRONGEST. ICE CREAM. EVER.

... I've run out of things to blog about.

There's nothing I can say here anymore, really, without offending or hurting someone I know.

Talked about blog-stalking people yesterday. I wonder who blog-stalks me?

Not that there's anything interesting on here for people to stalk me about. Maybe to mock me with, but nothing interesting to stalk me with. Which I am grateful for.

Went to Chili's. Took photos. Scared Wai Kit. The poor waiter. He probably thinks I'm psycho.

I need to post pictures here some day. Show the world my beautiful gorgeous friends and direct them to their blogs. (That does not include the male ones, that are nowhere near beautiful and gorgeous)

Took a big load of fun photos yesterday, but the USB cable that connects my memory stick to the computer isn't working. Curses. However will I get my new Facebook DP up is my first worry.

Vanity oh vanity. Speaking of which, Jasryn painted my nails orange with blue stars yesterday.

She sucks at Guitar Hero. Darren and Panit are decidedly good. It was funny watching Darren play Sweet Home Alabama. Joey's not bad, better than his sister at least, despite claiming not to have fun.

... To be frank, I've never seen a bunch of males that quiet. They were just staring at the screen.

Everyone leaves.

I laze around. Try to study. ( ).

I sleep.

Stuff I wrote during History class will not be published here due to objectionable content.

Thank you.

... Delusional? Oh thank you.

Pick 8 random friends you feel comfortable around. (including yourself for number 4).
1- Su Yin
2- Sarah
3- Jas
4- Wei Yun
5- Sara
6- Jing Min
7- Priya
8- Kylie

These eight people you just picked are stuck in a house with you for a whole year. (OMG LOL) There is no leaving the house at all until the year is completely up. If you had to choose a person for every question below, write down which person it would be.
There are four rooms, who would be in each room
-room 1 - Me
-room 2 – My bags
-room 3 – Candy room
-room 4 - Everyone else except JM who gets the basement

If there was someone singing in the morning who would it most likely be?
- Jasryn

If someone was considered the dad and the mom of the house, who would it be?
-Prudy, who else?

If you wanted candy really badly and all of the 7 in the house had some, who would you take it from?
- I'm the one with the unlimited supply

If two people were caught making out in a closet who would it be?
-Jas and Sara. With Prudy ;)

If someone had to watch you brush your teeth (every) morning, who would it be?
-Su?

There were two bags of chips bought at the store, but 20 minutes later they are gone. Who ate them?
-Me

Who would hate being in the house the most ?
- Prudy, she'd get sick of me

Someone took (brand spanking new) pair of socks that were never worn, who is the thief?
- Jasryn. DUH.

Someone swept all the dirt under the rug, who was it?
- LOL Sara

If there was arguments in the house, who would be the ones arguing?
- Prudy telling the rest of us to do housework, and the rest of us running away and Sarah being the only one succeeding.

Who would be the one missing their boyfriend/girlfriend that wasn’t in the house with them?
- Kylie

You walked down stairs in the middle of the night for a glass of water. Who do you see?
- Sarah studying

Someone is dancing on the table in their Leopard Thong, who is the crazy one?
- Jasryn

A pillow fight broke through, who started it?
- Priya, but I won it.

Theres a marathon of your favorite tv show, what is it? and who would be watching it with you?
- Su, because it would be anime

Someone made a fort in the laundry room, who was the kid?
- Me? With help from Sara.

There’s a prankster in the house that put plastic on the two toilets in the house, who are the pranksters?
- ME :D

The musics too loud, who turned it up?
- Not me -angelic look- Probably Sarah SC if she isn't studying.

Theres a mouse crawling on the floor all over the house,
a)who is the first one to scream?
- Priya
b)and who is the one to jump in someones arms?
- Jas
c)Who would be the one to kill it?
- Prudy

Someones crying, who is it and what happened?
- Me, someone ate all the candy.

Who made pancakes in the morning and almost caught the house on fire?
- LOL JAS

Who gets sick of each other the fastest in the house?
- Prudy gets sick of me :D

Someones tanning on the roof who is it?
- Jas

Who is the tallest in the house?
- ME :D

Who is the shortest in the house?
- Sarah SC/Jas

Who is the loudest?
- Everyone except Sarah when she's studying

Who is the clown?
- Err, Prudy in her prudish ways?

Who is the most respectful?
- None of us, we're all awesome!

Who is the one you go to talk to the most?
- Su (?) Can't really answer the question.

Who is the one that always comes up with stupid ideas?
- Me. Who else?

Whos in bed first?
- Jas and Sara, together. ;)

If someone woke everyone up with pots and pans who would it be?
- Priya. And Sarah. "Let's ALL GO RUNNING PEOPLE"

Who is always dancing?
- Kylie?

Someone has the same sweater as you, so you get mad at them and who is it?
- I'd compliment the person on her awesome fashion sense because the sweater would be orange

You spilt ice all over the kitchen floor, who would be the one to slip on it first?
- Jas, who seems to be the answer to everything.

Things for Wei Yun to do from May 19th to September 25th:

1) Turn 18.

2) Go on a holiday with friends. Both Uplands and SOBA.

3) Finish Dreamcatcher.

4) Plan Dreamweaver and Dreambreaker.

5) Start on AHP.

6) Start on the unnamed Fire Emblem: RD fanfic.

7) Write something for Sheau Yun.

8) Thank you gifts/letters/whatever. Another song parody for Mr. Webster, poem for Mr. Walton. False Historical Investigation for Mr. Klar.

9) Meeteth with Yencheth, Racheleth, Andreweth.

Confession #18: I have a feeling, that is I have just come under the impression, that around about a few months ago, I was somebody extremely needy... I came to so get used to having somebody else take care of me that finding myself alone again... was not easy. But thats no excuse because regardless of whether I was sad or not, I have a feeling that at that point of time, I was somebody that I would not have liked. I've seen that bit of myself in other people recently and the sheer repetitiveness of it...grr... frustrating. I don't like it in them, so I ask myself why would they like it in me? I admit to my mistakes. I think its important to realize that... some of the most annoying things we find about people, are some of the most annoying things we find about ourselves. After all, what isn't a part of us doesn't bother us. So for the most part, all those things we hate about other people, are usually flaws that can be found within ourselves. The main problem is that many people, my age or otherwise, seem to lack the capacity to see their mistakes in the mistakes of others. OMG I THINK I'M HAVING A THOUGHTFUL, GROWN-UP MOMENT <--- of course that exclamation totally negated it but oh well. Your resident bimbo returns *beams*

From Jasryn's blog.

A source of inspiration?

Or realization.

Thanks, even if you don't know it.

Wake-up call.

It's amazing, what a laugh can do for your mental health.

Feeling okay. I know these emotions will probably resurface later on but... whatever. I'll live in the moment for the time being and squeeze out a smile.

Lyrics time. Yay.

Paramore- Pressure

Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again

Cuz I fear I might brake
And I fear I can't take it
Tonight i'll lie awake
Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you

Now that I'm losing hope
And there's nothing else to show
For all the days that we spent
Carry away from home

Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone
Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Without you

Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
But I'm sitting all alone
Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
You're better off without me

Confession 3: Everything I do, is, subconsciously, a desperate cry for attention.

Confession 4: I know you're a true friend when you've seen through me... And still love me for who I am.

Confession 5: I know everyone thinks I have nothing to be depressed about. They're right. Yet so wrong. I've found the source of my random bursts of sadness.

Confession 6: I feel alone. Have felt that way since one and a half years ago- I've just been so good at hiding it, even from myself, that I never knew what it was.

Confession 7: Maybe I've gone back to blaming you for my problems.

Confession 8: I wish someone out there would.............. (fillintheblanks)

Have you ever felt so pent up with emotion that when you want to scream it all out, when you want to shout it out to the world, when it's time for you to take your place on the podium and take that stance against the world... You have nothing to say?

It's not that you lack the feeling, just the words to describe them. Just the way you want to yell out at everyone and snap at the world. It's not that there isn't any emotion behind the facade of happiness and that perpetual smile. It's not that you aren't angry, not that you don't feel like shrieking and kicking with tears in your eyes... You can't.

You just can't. You clench your fists, and you bite your lip, bite it so damn hard that you almost draw blood, and you know that its taste on your tongue can only mean that you've clammed up. Yes, you've clammed up, yes you. The person that's always worn her heart on her sleeve for daws to peck at with their blood-stained beaks, the person that laughs hard and cries even harder. The person that slowly, bit by bit, rips off pieces of wallpaper until her nails have worn down and the skin is chapped, the rawness of her fingertips displaced only by the rawness of her heart.

She's still there, she's still feeling... She just can't put it into words.

You don't know how to express what you're going through at the moment, the vortex of stress and inadecuacy and feeling as though you aren't good enough for anything, the tears that flow freely when you bite them in and refuse to come out when you need to cry. The promises you've made to yourself and broken, the friendships around you that you can visualise crumbling apart with a few harsh words and misplaced thoughts. The friendships that you sought so hard to build, that you realized you've been building based on guarding their feelings more so than your own... No, you're just too afraid to offend, aren't you? You're weak, weak, weak, weaker than anything you've ever condemned.

You're still on that podium, shaking, shivering, teeth chattering. You open your mouth to speak, but you make no sound. You want to talk about how you feel about whatever's been going on, but you can't. A few words surface into your mind- inadequacy, lonliness, stress- but they aren't enough. Nothing you say can shake off the way you've been; no amount of shaking can make you remember the words you want so desperately to find.

You hear the tap, tap, tap of your feet crashing against the wooden floorboards, and as you bury your head in the velvet curtains, you realise that you're hiding. You're hiding from the world, you're hiding from your friends, you're hiding from the big lie you've been weaving and have been struggling to keep- your loom's getting too small, that little voice in your head whispers, and you know it's right. It's telling you the truth.

Because for the first time in your life, you're surrounded by people.

And you've never felt so alone.

Help.

Thanks for caring.

Even if I don't deserve it.

Fucking PMS and Hitler.

Confession 2: Tears by ~Ethie on deviantART

Okay, yeah thanks, hint taken.

You never wanted me as a friend after you saw the real me, anyway.

Now I'm back to ground zero.

Fuck.

Fuck all of this.

FUCK!

I swore I would stop crying after January.

I swore that that would be the last time I allowed myself to pretend that I-

oh fuck I'm going to cry now. screw it.

coward.

ANIME/MANGA NERD:
[x] You watch anime.
[x] You read manga.
[x] You buy/collect anime DVDs or manga volumes.
[x]You own some other form of anime/manga merchandise.
[x] You have referred to an anime character as 'hot' before.
[x] You have cosplayed.
[x] You have done so in public.
[x] You have been to an anime/manga convention.
[x] You have created/joined a fanclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have created/joined a hateclub for an anime/manga character.
[ ] You have squealed when you found out somebody had the same name as an anime character you knew.
[ ] You enjoy drawing anime.
[x] People you know know you as the 'anime' person.
[x] You know that it is pronounced as 'mawnguh' and not 'manga' like it is spelled.
Anime/Manga Nerd Points: 10

ART NERD:
[x] You like art.
[ ] You actually consider yourself an artist.
[ ] When using art supplies, the brand of them matters to you.
[ ] You have a favorite brand.
[ ] You have asked for art supplies as a Christmas/birthday gift before.
[ ] You give people your drawings as gifts.
[ ] People actually ask for your drawings.
[ ] You are known as 'the art person' at your school.
[ ] Instead of just 'brown' or "pink', you'd be specific; it's 'sienna brown' or 'blush pink'. Or whatever.
[x] You have taken an art class outside of school.
[ ] You have considered a career as an artist.
[ ] Your school papers are always covered in doodles.
[ ] You have a favorite artist.
[x] Your drawings have been framed.
[ ] You carry a sketchbook with you everywhere you go.
Art Nerd Points: 3

MUSICAL NERD:
[ ] You play a musical instrument.
[ ] You play more than one instrument.
[ ] You actually really enjoy playing your instrument.
[ ] You've given your instrument a name.
[ ] You've participated in an extracurricular activity for your instrument.
[ ] You are known by what you play.
[x] You listen to classical music.
[ ] You are wondering whether that refers to the classical music genre or the classical music time period.
[ ] You have a favorite composer.
[ ] All of your friends are from your band/orchestra class.
[ ] You write music.
[x] You've had discussions with your friends about music; your favorite composers/instruments/musical time periods/key/etc...
[ ] You have considered a professional career with your instrument.
[ ] You are never nervous playing for other people.
Musical Nerd Points: 2

VIDEO GAME NERD:
[x] You play video games.
[ ] You own more than 4 different video game systems.
[x] You've had debates over which system is the greatest.
[ ] You play video games every day.
[x] You have played a video game for over 10 hours.
[x] You have songs from your favorite video games on your MP3 Player.
[ ] You love to talk about video games.
[ ] You memorize the dates for when a new game is being released.
[ ] People know you as the 'gamer' person.
[ ] You spend more time on video games than you do hanging out with friends.
[x] Your gaming system is in your room.
[x] You have preferences when it comes to what company your game came from.
[ ] You've had debates over which company is the best.
[x] You keep playing a game until you beat it.
[ ] It makes you angry when you found out somebody looked up cheat codes on the internet to beat their game.
Video Game Nerd Points: 7

COMPUTER NERD:
[x] You use the computer every day.
[x] You have an account/username on some sort of social website.
[ ] You go into random internet chatrooms.
[x] You spend at least 2 hours a day on the computer.
[x] You use computer faces. :D XD XP D: ^_^ >.> and etc.
[ ] It is hard to go a day without using the computer.
[x] You spend time in online forums.
[ ] In the forum/chatroom you use, you are known there by everyone else.
[x] You have friends you have only met online.
[ ] You have/have had a girlfriend/boyfriend you have only met online.
[x] You have actually met an online friend in person. (Long story. HAHA.)
[ ] U cn ezly rd 'txttlk'.
[ ] You have said 'lol' or 'omg' in speech that is not online.
[ ] You can type really, really fast.
Computer Nerd Points: 7

I miss my friends. Not that we've fought or anything, but I miss the times we spent together I guess? Before we were all stressed or emo or angry.

Let's go back to a time around September, where everything was perfect and I couldn't have been any happier- when my biggest concern was whether I could make this sleepover or that trip to the mall, when I was still in a post-CamTrad bliss of e-mails and IMs and the Skype conversations that have been dying as of late. Now I look at my Facebook wall and I've recieved oh, hey, a message from Rachel or Sara or Adela and I keep telling myself I'll reply with something nice and meaningful but I keep forgetting and and and and and life isn't really any better, I haven't talked to XX or Amy in AGES, I want to meet Yench and Alex but I can't, I sign into MSN hoping desperately that Lamby or someone will be on but I never have the time to chat for long, I miss Shu Lin and Li Yun and most of all Jianing and... and... I don't know.

I'm losing touch with the world, I'm losing touch with myself. I'm in this pit of essays and tests and promises to myself that I can't afford not to keep, and I'm scared and nervous and worried and there's just so much going on that I have to desensitize with work. Work's becoming like a drug, it keeps me from thinking, the only thing is that I'm not addicted but I wish I was dammit, I need 38 38 38 38 38 A SIX IN CHEMISTRY 38 38 38 38 38 38 but I want more than that dammit, I want a 7 for Chem and at least 40 points is that too much to ask fuck fuck fuck.

I blame the workload. Damn you workload. Damn you grades and offers and rejections and the feeling of inadequacy.

Because reality is like hair. You can twist it, style it, curl it until it's reached that volume of perfection. You can chop it short when it suits you or leave it out to grow. You have to water it just often enough so that it doesn't get greasy, but not so much that it becomes dry. You can colour it and dye it back but you have to expect people to notice the sudden change.

But if you pull too hard at it, it will break.



Well, what did you know? I got my hair cut today. You probably won't notice much of a change, and my hair's all wet in the photo because I'm going to study while waiting for it to dry, but if you look closely... For the first time in my life, my hair isn't centre-parted. I have a side-swept fringe, something I'd told myself I'd get a while back but I was worried I'd look dumb in.... I think I look the same. Haha.


A better look for those of you that didn't notice the change in the earlier photo- but then again, I'm sure you won't be interested in the workings of the currently-wet-hair of a not-so-pretty IB student.

Yes, I am unleashing my inner bimbo. Just like Jasryn. You proud of me, Sifu?

I think I'll go talk about breaking nails now.

Jasryn's personal message: How much is that self-esteem in the window?

єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:56:00 PM)
we've run out of self-esteem.
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:56:09 PM)
mine was stolen by something called inadequacy
Jas says: (10:56:11 PM)
have a party hat instead
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:56:56 PM)
but honestly. if you manage to find some stock
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:57:01 PM)
spare some for me
Jas says: (10:57:31 PM)
hahaha why? feeling in short supply?
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:57:48 PM)
the supply fluctuates
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:57:59 PM)
i'd rather keep a constant amount
Jas says: (10:58:11 PM)
hahaha
Jas says: (10:58:15 PM)
how much do you have right now?
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:58:15 PM)
inadequacy robs us from time to time
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:58:32 PM)
i managed to stock up on some this morning
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:58:47 PM)
though it was almost gone last night
Jas says: (10:58:55 PM)
what happened?
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:58:55 PM)
business is good, we sell out very easily
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:59:15 PM)
stress was a customer last night
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:59:45 PM)
but then again i heard he's been robbing other ib-ers too
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (10:59:52 PM)
so i'm not a selective store
Jas says: (11:00:37 PM)
hahaha
Jas says: (11:00:42 PM)
not a specialist no
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (11:01:17 PM)
and to think that i felt honoured
Jas says: (11:01:40 PM)
there there
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (11:01:45 PM)
our store tends to sell it in bulk only
Jas says: (11:01:46 PM)
ok i'm watching my streamed videos
Jas says: (11:01:53 PM)
so may be slow on the replies
Jas says: (11:01:54 PM)
hahahahaha
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (11:01:55 PM)
haha okay
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (11:01:57 PM)
where from?
Jas says: (11:02:00 PM)
mine was never that high in stock
Jas says: (11:02:05 PM)
watchthetudors
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (11:02:09 PM)
what IS that? LOL
єтнєяєαℓℓγ;; cαρσ ᗪì cαρì яєì says: (11:02:46 PM)
mine can be high but goes down very easily. as i said business has been good these days. things like inadequacy and inferiority complexes need to be fueled especially with the recession

I made a girl cry yesterday.

She's 11. Or 12. I don't know; but that doesn't matter to me- the point is, I made her cry.

I've never done that before. Made someone cry, I mean. Not that I can recall. Not that she didn't deserve it, but...

I guess I can't be nice and soft and a yes-person forever, as May Li says.

Truth you never knew:

I'm more competitive, more cynical, more bitter than I'll EVER let on... People don't know because a lot of what their perceptions of me are based on the fact that I seem happy. Obnoxiously happy. Am I? You may ask. The truth is... I am.

Most of the time.

Only most.

I tear my heart open, just to feel.

Confession 1: Moments by ~Ethie on deviantART

I'm censoring this for the sake of the masses.

... I have half a mind to show that to Mum and Dad.

... That would solve the problem.

... But seriously.

I'm censoring this for the sake of the masses. I may say more later on.

I feel like typing the first thing that comes to the top of my head and I know that that sentence was gramitically incrrect but I'm not looking at the screen as I'm trying this and I'm just following my train of thought I hate this you know, hate hate hate hate this pressure. Do I have the right to be sad? I mean, everyone's going through so much worse, and is as stressed as I am I guess. But I don't know. I don't care. I'm not really making sense and I took one look up at the screen and I saw two spelling errors urrgh and I don't know if I should change them because that would defeat the point of me following whatever I think up of. Broken strings is a nice song, I want to make it a theme song in a story I've thought up of. Speaking of stories I still haven't done MPH yet and I feel like I should give this up or Dublin but both titles seem okay but Dublin is kinda cliche I mean what am I supposed to write about? "The best things in life"

Oh I know "THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NO EXAMS."

Kthanks BAI

消沉。我不知为什么，但我变得消沉。我不再笑，不再喊，不再呱呱叫。我只坐在棕榈下，默默地等着。

这条路，几时会尽呢？

雨，打在我的身上，洗走我身上的泥土，但无法洗掉我心中的悲哀。

又见棕榈，又见棕榈。

That post made no sense whatsoever.

I can't write in Chinese.

No. Scratch that. I can't write anymore.

I need to stop blabbering and start working. I'm ignoring people on MSN, I'm beating everyone around me up, and I have the time to write shit like this here?

Fuck it.

Did this test a while back, and I got rather happy results back then? Now here's what my results are as of today;;

You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

Having experienced considerable disappointment of late and not knowing quite what to do about it this has led you to suffer a great deal of agitation and anxiety. You are trying very hard to make favourable impressions all round. You feel that you have a right to do anything that you wish without being condemned for your beliefs. Everything seems to be going against you and you feel helpless to change the situation. The possibility of failure is most upsetting and this situation is leading to untold stress. You honestly believe that the situation is not of your making - it is not your fault - you have been misled and abused by those that you trusted, but you are trying to look at the situation quite dispassionately. Would you perhaps not agree that this situation could be regarded as unrealistic self justification?

You are worn out and lack both physical and mental energy. This lack of vitality has created an intolerance for any further excitement and you feel that you just cannot carry on; but you have been like that many times before and the situation passed. You again need to get away from it all - even if it is only for a little while. A relaxed body cannot contain a destructive emotion and the secret for you is to just relax.

Sighhhhhhh. -stabs everyone with a sweet smile on her face a la Sara Loh-

Guys, reread the tag thingy, because I edited it to include more people.

This is fun. I like it.

So, instead of doing World Lit 2 which I really should be doing instead of this, I decided to do another tag that I copied shamelessly from deviantArt.

RULES:

1. List facts for 16 different people. [10, but then I went and did another 8]
2. Don't reveal who they are.
3. You can comment but don't answer to guesses. The idea is that no one knows who the facts are indicated to.
4. Tag three (3) people. [Decided to tag people. HAHA.]

EDITED TO INCLUDE EIGHT MORE PEOPLE.

1) I don't know whether you think of me as a friend, or a naughty 5-year-old kid that follows you around that's permanently high on sugar that you have to discipline when she gets too crazy :P The way you speak to me sometimes certainly implies so, but then again you're also a really wonderful person and the talks we have about random stuff when it's just you and me and maybe a few other people never fail to make me smile.

2) You know, I'm a little disappointed in you, disappointed that you took me for granted I guess- or is that my paranoia speaking? But you're still a good friend most of the time, and I'd like to believe the best of you so don't worry, I still think of you as a friend too. Wanted to have a joint birthday party with you once, not sure if that'd be a good idea for us now since we've got such different crowds and I'd invite all my friends from my old school as well, but if you're in I wouldn't mind.

3) You've got a lot of potential, you really do, and I don't want to see you waste it all away when you're drifting around doing nothing. I know you feel all detached and sad at the moment now but if you ever want to talk, I'm here, I'll listen, and I'll do anything within my ability to give you as much help as I can. You've always been a good friend, ( ). Stay that way.

4) You're my best friend, and there's no point of me pretending to hide who you are because everyone will be able to guess this. Haha! But yeah, you're friendly and lovable and adorable and a total idiot but I love you to bits anyway. Sorry if I've been a bit distant as of late, I've been up to my eyes in work lately, but once my IB is over we shall spend every single possible time together because I don't really want to leave you here in Penang when I go off to uni, I'll miss you too much. Come to England, it's better than the US because it's going to have ME!

5) You need some self-esteem, because you're really smart and a model student, all our teachers agree, and a great writer and a great poet and a great friend, and I'm so glad I became friends with you even if I used to get a little annoyed by you sometimes- for the record, that was a long long long long time ago, I don't now okay? Anyway I love you, you're amazing. Keep being awesome and when you're the Poet Laureate you will bring me out of poverty when I'm a starving writer living in a cardboard box.

6) I miss you a lot, along with the rest of them. You're right, the first time you go away to summer camp really is the most memorable one, and I'll never forget the people I met there. Come here. Come come come come come, and WE SHALL RUN AROUND DOING CRAZY THINGS TOGETHER. But then again, didn't we always?

7) God I miss you to bits too, and our Skype convos that seem to have been getting scarcer as of late. I know you'll get into a great school so don't fret; and good luck with ( )! She looks gorgeous from that photo you showed me and you would be so cute together. Don't forget to send me photos of the two of you once you're a couple, especially from prom- which we do have in Malaysia, by the way, you uneducated American capitalist.

8) We've been through so much together, and I'm glad that we're still friends because I can't imagine what life would be like if we weren't any more. The laughs, the jokes, the tears, the everything- they're priceless. I'll always be your ( ) if you promise to always be my ( ), unless of course you meet some hot guy in university named ( ), which we will then fight over. And bring me back some maple syrup. Muahaha!

9) I'll always be there to help you when you fall, because that's what friends are for, and I know you'd do the same for me any time no matter what stupid things I will do in the future. Keep in touch with reality though (funny that it's coming from me of all people. Haha) because no matter how lovely ghosts from the past may seem, they're what they are- ghosts.

10) DON'T GO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN! You've always been like my brother and I'll miss you too much. NOOOOO!!!!

EDIT: DECIDED TO DO MORE.

11) The three of us have been split up now, haven't we, to three different places? But I still love you to bits, darling. I know you're having a great time where you are right now and even though I wish you were here with me, I'm glad that you've found a place where you feel like you belong again. Despite, or because of, your HH ways, you're one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. Plus, it's fun blabbing about my very random romantic fantasies to you.

12) I wish you'd been in my year, you sick twisted little girl. But then again I left our school after Form 3 so it wouldn't have made that much of a difference- and chances are, without your partner in crime, you might have been different. Your like of sick gory bloody stuff scares me a little, still, but hey it's begun to rub off on me. And I know I can be sick and gory and twisted when I talk to you. You bring out the madhouse in me. Our things in common brought us together, our differences made us such good friends.

13) I wish I knew you a bit better, because you never fail to make me smile with your funny ways and your constant randomness. Can't believe you actually ate what I gave you that day, though. You're adorable. Stay strong, girl, because I know that you can. Things will be okay in the end. If they aren't okay, it's NOT the end.

14) Another person who I wish had been in my year, though in a totally different context. You should open up to more people, because you're really funny and nice when people get to know you, and maybe talk to others a bit more? But hey, thanks for listening and dealing with my constant paranoia. I made it pretty obvious but you're one of the people that knows most about me, even if you feel like you don't. I can only wish that I'd talked more to you before you left.

15) Do I regret being so mean to you? Yes and no, I suppose; yes because you're really a great person when we get to know you well, but no because maybe if we hadn't started out on the wrong foot, we wouldn't have been able to reach the depth of friendship we have now, corny as this all sounds. You're annoying. I can't deny that, but it's that annoying-ness about you that makes you so lovable and cute. And you'd better be a little less gullible so that you don't take candy from strangers when you go out to the real world, darling. I love you;;

16) I'll miss you when you go back to university. And no, I won't get married without your permission- you'd probably maul the guy unless I made him go through an initiation ceremony with you first. If I do get married. Or, you and I could choose to remain celibate and then live in that cardboard box and be starving writers together. How does that sound to you? Neil Gaiman is love.

17) I had a crush on you when I first met you. I'm glad that I was over you before anybody told you about it, and I have no idea how it got out or if that person guessed. My question for you is: Was I really that obvious, or just that little bit too over-friendly? Because I always thought I was good at hiding it. I suppose I'll never know because I doubt you'll ever guess who you are. So happy that we're friends now, because you're such good fun to be with.

18) You don't know how many times I've wished I was you, because despite what you think, sometimes it does look like you have it all: beauty, brains, athletic ability, everything. Whatever it is, there's always a bright light at the end of the tunnel, and thanks for listening to me rant all those times. I'll never forget a certain time we spent together- it's a thing that could only have happened with your knack for doing stupid things and my utter cluelessness.

Tagged: Numbers 1 to 18, if you think you know who you are.

If you aren't sure, do it anyway. This tag is fun to spread around.

And feel free to throw your guesses at me- not in public, but over MSN. This will be interesting.

Anyway. I shall now write 25 happier random facts about me, so that I don't post anything too emo-sounding on Facebook.

1) I LOVE The Best Damn Thing. It's not the most thought-provoking song but if I was a jealous girlfriend, I would so be singing that song. The lyrics don't sound like me, they ARE me.
2) I only started liking orange after my friend declared how much she hated it, and I defended it, and after a while... the colour grew on me. A bit too much.
3) I've always wondered what it would be like for me to be a guy. I mean, since people already think I'm a lesbian. Haha!
4) The best ice-cream I've ever had was at Swensen's. Sticky Chewy Chocolate Sundae. Yum.
5) I've wondered what it would be like if teachers found my blog, and whether they'd think of me differently.
6) Even though it may not seem like it at times, I really believe that life is what you make out of it and that if you have food, a family, a roof over your head and that if one person loves you no matter who they are, you do not have the license to say that your life sucks because there are others that have it so much worse.
7) I also think that you should be able to rant about things, and that it makes you feel better.
8) I have a pretty good relationship with my parents even if they are overprotective idiots most of the time.
9) A lot of what I say and do has a reason behind it, even if I don't realize it at the time.
10) I used to have long hair until I was 8, then was forced to cut it.
11) I can't finish books unless I read them in one sitting. Sad but true.
12) Nevertheless, I LOVE reading and want to be an author.
13) "If you don't dream big, what's the use of dreaming?"- Love it.
14) I've been called a lot of things in my lifetime, ranging from "the mean bully" to "the nice sweet girl".
15) A lot of the time, I feel as though I play a role in a certain group of people. In school I'm the hyper annoying one. With SOBA I'm the boss' boss. With Shu Lin and Hai Sherng I'm just another retard. I've actually been the sane one too, when I was "spying" on people in and running around playing retarded pranks.
16) I'd be interested to know what people see me as being like, but of course I don't think I'd get a totally honest reply.
17) I don't mind playing all these roles, actually! People just know me in different ways, that's all.
18) If you really knew me, I'd probably be just like what you see, only different.
19) I can be paranoid and worry about the world hating me then totally forget about it the next second when something good happens.
20) My mother thinks I must be bipolar. I wouldn't be surprised.
21) I like chemistry a lot but doesn't mean I'm any good at it. I also love English and history. Especially Russian history!
22) Avenue Q is my favourite musical, but I really haven't watched that many.
23) I actually have a private blog. No, you can't have the URL, it's a bit too personal.
24) One day, I'm going to run away from everything I know, find some spot in the middle of nowhere and just sink into my imagination.
25) Wake me up when the IB ends. Sighh.

There. 25 happier facts. How's that, Alex?

Yench has introduced me to the wonders of talking in haikus.

Went driving today
Have yet to kill anyone
I am a success.

Did the three-point turn
Mastered getting up the hill
Muahahahaha.

Read this;; shameless plug.

And because I was the one that gave him the tag to do this.

Introducing: Yench.

http://crimsoncourreges.deviantart.com/art/Brocade-112519643

I'm kinda proud of this.

Read. Comment? :D

The highlight of the day was getting stuck in school with Pin for more than an hour.

Browsing through her old photos. Searching for her demotivational posters on her flash drive and giving up on finding them. Looking at pictures of the two of us and everyone else from Year 11 to now. Bitching about IB. Talking about Honey and Clover. Telling her about all the hot guys from MUN last year. Mentioning the gay-ness of TAPS. Thinking back to old times. Dreaming about the future. Laughing about Ouran. Laughing at the world.

Best friends can't always be forever, but friendships always can.

I always have a soft spot for those that suffer from unrequited love.

Book characters. Those from anime. In my own writing.

In real life.

Because a long time ago, I felt the same way.

Tagged several zillion times on Facebook. So yeah. 25 random facts about me, or relating to how I feel. Note that some of them are pretty surprising if you don't know me that well.

1) If romance does what I've seen it do to my friends, it might be a good idea for me to stay single, because I don't know whether I'd be able to cope.
2) I've been asked whether I'm a lesbian several times. The bad news, girls? I'm straight.
3) I tend to get moments where I feel unloved by everyone I know.
4) I'm the world's worst attention-hog. Whether you've realised it or not.
5) Paramore's music reminds me of me. Taunting and angry at times, but emotional on the inside.
6) Hayley Williams is probably my favourite female singer at the moment.
7) I hate Katy Perry for some weird reason, even though she reminds me of myself too.
8) I wish I was pretty.
9) I have self-esteem issues. It's always too high or too low.
10) Despite my dislike of Katy Perry, I actually like her songs (except for I Kissed a Girl). Don't know why I don't like her.
11) I thought of a high school story over the summer, and the things that happened in it are slowly beginning to come true, albeit in different forms.
12) I wish I could draw.
13) I wish I could write.
14) I once shouted all my inner feelings out over deviantArt's Shout it Out project, and I wish I could do it again.
15) If all the stuff in the high school story comes true bit by bit, I know who I'll end up dating. All I have to say to that is EWW.
16) No, I'm not going to tell you who it is. Because it's DISGUSTING.
17) I love Russian history. It's the best part of my current history syllabus.
18) I tend to say things that people take the wrong way.
19) I know I can write. Sometimes.
20) I don't know what I'd do if I didn't become an author, because I don't want to be in an office job forever. It'd be fun for a while, but not for my whole life. Maybe work in the UN? Go into journalism?
21) I am paranoid. In more ways than one.
22) Since CamTrad, it's been getting harder for me to get attached to people.
23) I sometimes look back at the people I met at different phases of my life, and wonder if I had met them under different circumstances, if I had been there or they had been here, whether we could have become best friends.
24) I miss the CamTradders more than I should.
25) Deep down, I'm really afraid of being alone.

I spoke to a lawyer today.

He talked to me about one of the two universities I was thinking of going to. He said that they taught law in not only a technical context, but that they also taught it as a social science, showing us the human side of law as well as the law as cold, hard, truth. He talked about how wonderful the place was. He said the people were interesting. Energetic. Great.

I know where I want to be now. I know where would make me the most happy. For the first time after I got turned down by Cambridge, I feel secure again- I know I'll have a great time in London, like how I knew I would have a great time in Cambridge. My future is clearing up. The fog is beginning to roll away, though the last wisps will remain until I get my ideal IB score.

By the way?

His name is also Wei Yun. Arvin Lee Wei Yun.

This cannot be coincidence.

LSE, here I come.

I feel sick.

OfthislifeofthisschoolofthispersonthatI'vebecome, ofhomeworkschoolworkpressurestress. Ofpeopleofyouofhimofher, ofeverythingiseeinfrontofmeSTABSTABSTAB. ofeverythingioncedesiredandwhatiwishicouldbe-

And because I have a fucking cold.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Is that okay?

And as I watch events unfold in front of my eyes like a string of silent clips, the whispered words of yes no maybe I think I love her but I don't and life would be less painful if it'd end, I take a step back as an observer and muse- no, I'm not an observer, I can't be neutral, I can't can't can't but there isn't anything I can do.

With the way things are playing out in the story of my life, I'd rather meet writer's block again, feel its pressure press against my lips to prevent the words from flowing. But is that all I can do? No, I can rewrite things; make it so that spangled banners of happiness dance from the walls, cheer and laughter ring through the alleyways of bliss and fear. 45, 45, 45;; perfection found within the realm of numbers, perfection so intangible that few can even vie to seek?

If you have a problem with me, just say it out loud. Here, wherever, anywhere. Mmkay?

(yesthisisdirectedatSOMEONE- who should know who he or she is. If he or she doesn't know, then obviously there wasn't a problem in the first place.)

I'm not supposed to apologize to you guys for being me but I feel like I should.

()

Brackets are fun. They say so much more than words. Thanks for talking to me last night Sarah.

And no guys I'm not on vacation where I intended to be. Long story. Shit happens.

and i don't know i don't care i'm going downhill fuck fuck fuck this shit i say fuck fuck fuck FUCK! fuck you, fuck this, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck so much i don't know why or what i'm fucking, there isn't no love all you can see is the word FUCK plastered over your face in red, stab stab stab stab stab stab isn't it all trivial, isn't this all some sort of joke? ironic laugh. ironic smile. irony irony irony-

reds purples black, reds purples black. pound pound hammer hammer pound pound pound, bash bash bash ohmygod what's wrong with you bitch, stop pounding yourself into the grave you've dug when there isn't any self to maul. you aren't a you, you aren't a me, you're a bitch bitch bitch senseless bitch cow, dead bitch cow.

breathless senseless wind-flying-in-face madness pattering drops of icicles not snow sun screaming heart wrenching gut churning NO! you're lost in the vortex that you've crafted, angels ripping your lungs out so that you can't breathe. blood isn't red, isn't blue, it's orange which is a mockery because isn't it what you love? but no you're orange because you can't be defined, can't be fitted into the slots of either yellow or red, good or bad. and there you'll drift, drifting into forever, pushed away by both heaven and hell-

(because only time will tell)

I hate waking up in the middle of the night crying about things you can't change, and wanting to turn back time so that you're happy, happy in a place that you'll never be able to return to and with people that you're never going to ever see-

(Yeah I burst out crying, and for reasons more pathetic than ever)

I'm not going to lie and say that we've been pink bubblegum crossed with stars, sweet blueberries with cream, or even spangled confetti on icing of the cake; because it's ashes now, what we might once have had, ashes tossed into the sea under bitter prayers and the curse that wishes don't come true. We were living a lie, me and you, and it's time for us to bury it under a gray slab, a monument erected as a testament to the tangles in our ropes and the deceit we chewed our way out of.

Shackles to shackles, lust to dust. I could gaze into your eyes forever but forever isn't real, and it's just a matter of time till everything shatters the urn I sealed you away in. The image of a desecration, the sacrilege of hope, entwining together and falling apart

(like the fragments of my heart)

------------------------

P.S: I have no idea what this is about.

Mocks report:

Everything was at least my minimum possible grade (without me going to drown myself in the river of Ego) so I am happy- well, except for Chem, but I'm hoping that the grade boundaries will be low enough that I can scrounge for marks and pull it up to my minimum possible grade.

Other grades are all fine, or beyond fine. I personally am over the moon about English and Mandarin, but I shouldn't get too arrogant, should I? Sigh, it's back to the grindstone in a short while, but before we know it the spectre of IB exams will all be OVER.

OVER.

By the way, how many of you like writing, randomness, stories with no plot, and VERY RETARDED TEACHERS? If you do just tell me here or MSN and I'll show you something. It's not very interesting yet, but the more people that join, the more fun it's going to get.

*N.B: Not recommended if you are too normal*

You know, I suppose that in time people leave us, things change, and everything you once knew is shaken. I've learned that the hard way, with me being the one leaving at the end of Form 3, then Uplands in Year 11, and then CamTrad where I bawled my eyes out and hugged everyone to death, because I didn't think I'd see anyone again- I don't think I've ever cried so much in such a short time period, save for the time when my grandfather died.

((see, i've never been good at [coping with forever]))

But that isn't the point. The point is, after school today, I went home, played tennis, then had Li Yun and Xiang Yih (who I haven't seen since forever) come over to my house to finish my gift to Jianing. Played a little Guitar Hero, then tried to paste everything together while we rushed around trying to get a printer because mine was broken, pasting together the pieces of the puzzle we've been living in for years.

I'm not going to post pictures of it here, or let any of you know what was in the scrapbook and shoebox we decorated and hand-made for her, because it's between the people that made it, and Natassha (Choong) who we saw at dinner and who said that she would send her gigolos to Jianing if she became too- To use a politcally correct term, non-Chinese. XD. But, well, some of the things I said in that book were personal, and when she started reading it out I had to tell her to stop. Whatever it is, I think she liked it. And I'm happy.

And I know I'm going to miss her.

Thing is, when people I went to school with have left before, I was never really that close to any of them- oh fine, I was close to them, but not in the heart-wrenching-bloond-bonding kind of way I'm close to friends like Jianing and Li Yun and Shu Lin, not in the kind of way where if they stepped out of my life, there'd be a certain void- not a difference, but a type of emptiness inside me (and) I don't know what I'd do to replace it.

There, I've admitted it. I rely on my friends. For the past nine years or so, I've been good friends with this girl. From the days where I'd still climb into the closet so I didn't have to face my fears, the days where we sat next to each other in English class and were always told to shut up, that one big fight in Form 3 which got blown out of proportion for childish reasons, to the time when we called each other just to scream, to the times after we made up and things were still awkward, to late-night phone calls that made things seem like the fight never happened, to the trip to KL where we recorded songs and ate soba. We've shared laughter, tears, cookies, and a bed- and we have so many in-jokes with Li Yun that when the three of us talk, we're the only ones that ever find it funny.

23.

Nobody else even cracked a smile, did they?

I grow attached to people too easily. I have a problem with that. I care about people- even those that I haven't known for long- I can care so much sometimes that it starts to hurt. I don't know. And for someone that I've known that long- I know it's not forever, but it's going to be weird looking at the phone and wondering why I can't call her anymore, looking at time zones so that I'll know when I can go on Skype, signing on to MSN just before school when I check my e-mails so I can say hi. SOBA isn't going to be the same, is it? Li Yun and I were on the phone, and it hit us- at the same time- that it was going to be like that from then on, just her and me and Shin Dee and the others but ultimately, some of us won't be there anymore.

I don't know how I feel. Sad, somewhat. Happy that she'll be having a great time in Canada. Somewhat shocked. But I haven't cried. I promised myself I wouldn't cry about people leaving, not ever again. It isn't forever. I can't cope with forever, but a few months will be fine.

(Damn- if this is what Jianing leaving is like, I wonder what Shu Lin leaving will be?)

It's not forever. It's not going to be that bad. I know I'll miss her, but it's just missing someone. I know I have other friends that love me.

So why do I feel somewhat empty?

Would it be too clingy, if I actually started to cry? I promised myself that I wouldn't but I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

Maid generator thing... YEAH.

Your name is Ethie [short for ethereally. haha]. You are 18 years old. You have black eyes and transparent hair, and wear a white maid uniform. You are cool and heroic; others describe you as single-minded, doll-like and unflappable.

You are obsessed with cleanliness, and can't let the tiniest bit of dirt go unnoticed. For whatever reason, you are responsible for the death of your parents. You look up to one of the other characters as your mentor. You wear glasses; you can't use contact lenses, but at least they compliment your maid uniform. You are an alien who came to this world from somewhere in outer space.

You are a slave, and have no choice about your line of work. In combat, you wield a scythe worthy of the grim reaper. When you are extremely upset, you spend all day sleeping. Due to your notable Skill, you have the ability Lock Picking. You can enter any room whenever you feel like. This works even when someone is using World for Two.

... What the heck is THIS?!

1. Take a picture of yourself right now
2. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair...just take a picture...
3. Post the photo with no EDITING
4. Post this instruction with your photo
5. Tag 5 people to do this

Tagged by Jasryn. I seem to be doing a lot of tags today. (:

See this picture of me? It's called being in my nightie even though it's only 6 in the evening, having hair that's messy because you just washed your face and that's why the ends are damp while the rest of your head is dry.

This is called being plain retarded.

I'd tag Shu Lin my best-friend-cum-wife if she had a blog but NOOOO SHE DOESN'T. So I tag:

1) Amy
2) Sarah SC
3) Darren
4) Priscilla
5) Sara Loh

Tagged after reading Yench's blog. Go visit it, he's an amazing writer.

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Amazing- Aerosmith

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Happy Happy Birthday Song- The Arrogant Worms

Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
For Now- Avenue Q

For now we're healthy.
For now we're employed.
For now we're happy...
If not overjoyed.
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Why You'd Want to Live Here- Death Cab for Cutie (To move to LA and get disillusioned?)

And I can't see why you'd want to live here.
Billboards reach past the tallest buildings,
"We are not perfect - but we sure try."
As UV rays "degraded" our youth with time.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
She's Got Issues- The Offspring (Oh thank you)

I'm seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind
Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind
She talks about closure and that validation bit
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Heroes- David Cook (HAH. I LIKE.)

All these heroes come and go
But you're still standing
You teach me to rise up
To open my eyes up
All these heroes come and go
But you're still standing

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Photobooth - Death Cab for Cutie (HUH?!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter- Iron Maiden (Whose daughter is the question)

WHAT IS 2+2?
Link- L'Arc~en~Ciel (awesome band, awesome song)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Since U Been Gone (Which best friend is this? LOL can't be Shu Lin D:)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
We Looked Like Giants- Death Cab for Cutie (no comment)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Death of an Interior Decorator- Death Cab for Cutie (WhatthehellLOL. Why so much Death Cab though?)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! - Mamma Mia!Cast (A desperate housewife. I think not)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Had Enough- Breaking Benjamin (Considering I've had enough with men, this is apt)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Cliff Diving- +44 (Yeah, this is pretty true- they think I'm a nutter that's going to risk it all to write)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
It's a Long Way to the Top- School of Rock

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Disconnect the Dots- Of Montreal (creepy. I like)

Come disconnect the dots with me, poppet
Come disconnect the dots
Come disconnect the dots with me, poppet
Come disconnect the dots

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Damn Regret- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (there was another Death Cab song but I HAVE HAD ENOUGH DEATH CAB. I don't even like them THAT much. Anyway, I don't like regrets, I don't have regrets. So what is this supposed to mean?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Mix Tape- Avenue Q (So true!)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
A Rush of Blood to the Head- Coldplay

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional (Nice.)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
The Name of the Game- Amanda Seyfried

By the way guys: I LOST. XD

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
One More Night- Stars

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Pretty Fly for a White Guy- The Offspring (Posers and wannabes? This should have been the answer to the one above, and the one above should be the answer to this)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Bad Things- Jave Everett (This does not bode well for my future does it?)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Girlfriend- Avril Lavigne (BOYFRIEND-STEALERS... When there's no boyfriend to steal)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
HOWLING- abingdon boys school

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Title & Registration- Death Cab for Cutie (ANOTHER ONE?!)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Underclass Hero- Sum 41

And now I'm desensitized (I state my place in nowhere)
Burning the flag (Of the degeneration)
Everyone sing (The anthem of no future)
Down with the mass ('Cause we're not listening)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Behind these Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson

Tags:
1) DARREN (see Jas I tagged him FIRST)
2) Rachel
3) Valerie
4) Kits
5) Hai Sherng
6) Sarah SC
7) Xiao Tian
8) Jing Min
9) Pin
10) Xiang Xiang

AND JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE HER DO THIS BECAUSE I'M EVIL: AMY. MUAHAHA!