fictional characters who i relate far too closely to for there to be some form of coincidence:

dave strider
vriska serket
fred weasley
sirius black

i think there's some form of pattern showing




augustus waters
merida, from brave

vi slater
kai chang


knife

this is doomed to fail, anyway. just your luck, huh?

emotions are stupid and should be hated

I wish I had a safe space to express all my emotions and to dump them in one place which is kind of what this place is for but then write write rant rant and feels feels dskjgldskjgdslkjgldskjg

Sometimes I wish I was more like how I used to be when I was younger when I would feel free to post passive-aggressive shit in public and let people guess. I'm more afraid of stirring up drama now, I guess.  Words have consequences and the older I grow, the more I realise this. I also think I'm more of a private person now but sometimes I just kind of want to scream it all out and just

yeah

feelings

I simultaneously love and hate them

I also really want a new theme for this blog. Something that isn't quite so eye-burning. But I want orange. Because I'm fundamentally orange.

that's why my ass is so big. it's full of secrets.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2012/10/cold-pastoral-by-marina-keegan.html

and you want to write something so beautifully poignant, to sketch a life drawing of emotion so realistic that the words are screaming from the page, for them to be able to be the last thing someone thinks of before they sleep at night.

occasionally i get jealous of those people who have lived the college dream. the people who spent four years on campus discovering themselves, discovering other people, forging friendships that promise to last a lifetime. hookups, breakups, that bittersweet romance that tastes like chocolate and tequila that ends with the impact of a car crash after dark.

but then there are days like this where we're all just sitting around listening to acoustic covers in the living room, the buzz of us hammering away at our laptops mingling with each others' in sync, in symphony, and i realise that i didn't need that, won't ever need that. i have so many years ahead of me to figure out who i am and where i'm going, and this strange sense of feeling lost doesn't seem so bad.

i am tired of this motherfucking horseshit.

let it be known that

Things went okay, and I didn't totally fuck my future up. (:

help me

i'm thinking.

i don't know if we'll have as much in common when this is all over, or if we'll still be able to talk. i hope so, definitely, but we'll be going in different directions and soon may come a time when there's nothing in common any more except the past. it's inevitable that this will happen to some of your friends; it always does. but it doesn't matter, because you're amazing now. and will always continue to be amazing, even if it's in a different way. thank you guys, so much- really, you have no idea how much all of this has meant to me. even if things change and we drift apart, you'll always be dear to me because of the sense of study-solidarity, though we were never exactly emotionally close if you get my drift. the only thing about studying and exams that i'll ever miss was the sense of togetherness, even if it was us all feeling screwed! you'll always be my girls <3

three days left, three exams to go. let's do this shit.

twenty-one!

Let it be known that I have amazing friends, people who laugh with me and cry with me and light me up when I'm down.

Yesterday and today were absolutely perfect in every single way, despite the fact that I had to study for exams- amazing gift art from some of the best artists and coolest people I know, Lex coming down to see me despite the fact that she has exams too. Hanging out with a friend from uni and the boy I swear she's going to marry some day, and then I come home to a package from Kalyn that I got to open right on the dot of midnight, complete with calligraphy inks and parchment. Sleep, then dim sum with Lex and my housemate, a study session where my friend didn't know it was my birthday but gave me cake (chocolate! With chocolate icing! Knife would have been proud) and where we finished the fucking syllabus. We're going to kick this exam's ass. Then a steak dinner with cocktails and free champagne on the house because it was my birthday, and my housemate and I took the wrong bus home and had to walk back in high heels for fifteen minutes, and my feet are dying and I carried a massive laptop around all day and I'm about ready to collapse, this is probably just one giant run-on sentence but fuck everything, I feel amazing, life is amazing and the one thing that could have been icing on the cake didn't happen but it's okay, it might happen tomorrow or the day after anyway but honestly

I

Don't

Care

I'm just that happy, all tired and blissfully satisfied with everything that's going on, and it's just good days like this that make me feel like I should put everything into perspective, and focus on what's most important which is me and my happiness, and the little things that make me feel this good. Back to the grindstone tomorrow, but let me relish in the moments where I'm just happy to be me, and who and where I am.

10 days left. let's do this.

nineteen.

it's getting harder and harder every day. i just have to remind myself that the end is just around the corner.

motivation, such an aggravation!

tomorrow, another day.

you know, a lot of the time i don't think that i'm fat/ugly/whatever, but there really are days where i look at my friends and people around me and i think 'fml'. mmm. which is weird because most of the time i actually kind of like how i look, or have at least come to terms with it.

i should either stop comparing myself to other people, or do something about it.

self-acceptance is a constant struggle, but at least i'm winning, most of the time. and that's a lot more than many people can say for themselves.

i'm actually feeling pretty good about these exams.

i don't know if it's a good thing.

you make your own luck, and something's going to go my way soon. i know i've been working for it, and i can feel it, taste it at the tip of my tongue- it's almost within my grasp! it's just there! i can do this. i will do this. it's almost there, i'm almost there---

my heart's on overdrive!

I am, admittedly, emotionally high-maintenance.

I will be the first to admit that I am difficult to handle. I have erratic mood swings, many of which I cannot explain. While I am in the process of sorting this out, it still remains that the fact that a particularly close friend said that she was this close to ending our friendship after witnessing the true extent of my emotions cannot help but haunt me, especially when it is about something that I cannot control. Upsetting, but understandable. This is where a lot of my fear of close friendships stemmed from when I was younger, frankly speaking, the fact that I didn't think that people could handle me. However, with my not-so-epic realisation from a while back, I also realised that I can't change my moods, but I can learn to take heed of them better, and learn how to handle them. That is, after all, part of growing up.

I am, despite what I like to say, in my own way, growing up.

(I would also like to clarify that somewhere along the line, I realised that if I never learned to get close to people, I would never know whether people would be able to handle me or not- and then even more recently I realised, screw people if they can't handle me because I can damn well handle myself.)

We all can be dumbasses when it comes to our emotions. I am, in some ways, a bigger dumbass than most, but as of late I have been reminded of the things I am good at, and the fact that I have been truly blessed in many ways, whether I realised it or not. I have a lot going for me, and at the age of twenty I have achieved more than I could ever have hoped to achieve, save for my juvenile idealism of having published a novel by now.

That can wait, though. Just because I'm pushing some plans back doesn't mean that I will never attain my goals. Slowly, I'm walking back onto the path that I mapped out for myself, and I like how it's looking.

Inspiration struck twice today, and even though I couldn't address it because of jurisprudence it filled me with an inexplicable sense of joy.

I am an emotional person. And while emotions cannot exactly be quantified, I would say that I am more emotional than most. However, it is arguable that females are naturally more prone to feeling emotional- or at least, we are more prone to showing it, whether we want to or not. Whether this is a matter of nature, or nurture, I do not know. Yet I was speaking to a friend of mine that would date both males and females quite willingly, and she said it herself: she would take more emotional flak from a girl than from a guy. There is some expectation for males to be more stoic and emotionless, I suppose. To be the white knight, and to sweep us off our feet. I myself don't think I'd be able to deal with someone who was an emotional train wreck, though I did find it particularly sweet when Jade said she'd be Dave's hero.

But Dave isn't going to be able to let Jade save him forever. Even Harley can get tired. Nobody likes constantly picking up after someone's shit, but girls sadly have more leeway than guys do. A girl bursts out crying in public and people run to comfort her. I can't imagine any guy doing that without having some fear of being called a sissy. Not that Dave would do that beneath his coolkid exterior, of course, but some day, the kid's got to sort himself out. And if SBURB doesn't give him a ridiculously intense case of PTSD, I think it might just help him. Yet there's all that fanfiction out there where Dave has nightmares and can't get to sleep, and I can't help but look at him and wonder whether he'll ever be all right; but then again, life never throws you anything you can't handle.

Besides, he's a Strider, right? He'll sort himself out.

I wonder how harshly Arya felt it when she realised that she wasn't going to be treated the same way as Arry. Or the transition from Princess Arya Stark to scullery-maid. I think she probably handled it better than Dave, though. She's less self-indulgent with her emotions. Sometimes, I wish women could learn to be more like Arya. Or Daenerys- but then again we all have the capability to be, y'know? We just need to tap into ourselves. We can be emotional, yes, but we can also be strong- and we can channel those emotions into strength.










Oh man, you're right. I have a tendency to live in my head. But it's not just in terms of self-reflection, you see, because- I'm always writing some story or other in there, whether you know it or not. Sometimes when I smile in the middle of nowhere, don't be afraid- I'm just replaying a particularly silly scene, or, if you might, enjoying an inside joke with myself. (:

I miss my sisters; seeing Lex and Jin together has made me think about how nice it is to be around someone who understands you, who cares for you, and who will be there for you until the very end.

self, meet writing muse.

it's been a while :D

3000 words written at starbucks instead of doing jurisprudence. argh i'm going to regret this so much later but dude this feels awesome. trolololol.

now time to go work on liberalism and its discontents! i can do this, but only if i try- no. i WILL do this! and i WILL make it very. fucking. awesome.

emotional recuperation.

In recent weeks (months?) I understand that I've been in a state that has been somewhat less stable than normal, flip-flopping between ridiculously happy and oddly down. Not that I haven't always been a little bipolar- I get that from my father- but my emotional state as of late has been, to quote a friend, "jarring", and actually scary. Through this, I have probably succeeded in alienating many of those closest to me, pushing people away when I could have asked them for help.

I am not justifying my actions or moods with this post, seeing as it would not do me any good. Many of the people who might have been affected by the emotional spillover do not have a link to this blog, and those that do might not even be reading. If I wished to say this to people, some of which who I do wish to tell over messaging or in person, I would request to meet up with them. (Which, for the matter, I do, so if you're keen on this any time soon Xun we should go for bubble tea. Just you and me; I feel like I owe you what is probably the biggest explanation of all.) However, a large reason why I never asked for any emotional support was because there was one principle which I had managed to hold onto: the only person that could help me out of this rut was myself.  No matter how much ranting or venting I subjected a certain friend to, nothing seemed to help, to the point where she started to question whether there was anything that she could do to help and whether our friendship was doing either of us any good.

Again I reiterate that I do not talk about my feelings because I am almost incapable of doing so, not without turning into a blubbering, crying mess. There is apparently emotional spillage, and my body language dictates that I might not be feeling at my best even if I try to act like I am. It is not usually a lack of trust that does this, and I can't expect people to understand that. However if it helps I will try to communicate it if I am not in the best of moods instead of pretending to be my usual chipper self. I understand that a lot of the time, I try to portray myself as this sunshiny being who doesn't see anything wrong, but that's really not who I am. Not all the time, at least. There is a reason I relate to Terezi and Dave rather than Jade and Feferi; I know what it's like to miss Vriska, and I know what it's like to put up an image to hide what I really am. That aside, though, I don't plan on licking things to try and see them, and neither do I plan on turning into a white rapper any time soon. But I'm digressing here.

I suppose I'm going to start being myself more, whatever 'myself' really is. Sure, without the sunshiny orange-ness, it's arguable that there's nothing spectacular about who I am, but at the same time there are other parts of my personality that can contribute to a relationship, or to progressing in life. Frankly speaking putting up a front has been getting more and more tiring as of late, especially when I really didn't feel that way myself. Not that I'm not still  cheery and happy, but let's face it- you can't blame people for thinking I'm a manic pixie dream girl, not with the way I act. You can't blame them for thinking that I'm air-headed, or worse, a liar. Which I was (which I am), to be completely honest. The latter, I mean. But quite frankly speaking I've hit a point where I find myself buying orange things simply because they're orange, not even because I really want them. I still like orange, but I'm tired of using the colour as a shield for what I really want and what I really am.

It's for these reasons that I'm buying the Time hoodie instead of the Light. I always wanted the Time hoodie more, anyway. I just felt obligated to get the orange but frankly speaking, I like Dave just that little bit better. Sorry Vriska ):

Wow, if anyone's still reading, and they don't know Homestuck, I'm really very sorry.

Actually, I lied. I'm not. 8D

While we're at this, I'll also come out and say that I've recently developed a liking for the colour teal. You can quote me on this. I don't care about that as much as I pretend to, for the record. It's easy for me to keysmash when I'm writing and to spew a bunch of bullshit about how orange is the BEST THING EVER OMGUH but at the same time, it's become so much of a mask that I'm starting to resent the colour, just a little bit- I'm not always bouncy and cheery, and I know I'm not fooling anyone even if a lot of the time I act like rainbows are spewing out my ass. Or at least, I try to.

I've probably digressed from the original point, so I'll get back to it now.

As I've stated earlier, I know that I might have pushed people away in the process, people who could have been, or that were once good friends. While it does sadden me to think of that, the point remains that the past is the past. I apologise if I have said or done anyone any ill, and if you have been so stunned by this sudden change in my mental state that you feel it best not to continue your friendship with me any more, so be it. I can't change your mind, and I won't try to. It's sad, but every action has a consequence and all I can do is accept these.

There's no way to look but forward.

Emotions don't change overnight. However, realisations can occur and while I've been alone in Cambridge for a whole... 5 hours- while I've been alone here it hit me that I had been so caught up in hating people, hating law that I lost sight of the principles I always used to guide my life. Never have I been so caught up in self-pity since I was fifteen, and frankly speaking I'm a little disgusted at myself. But hey. No sense being disgusted, right? Not when I've got the rest of my future to look forward to, and the rest of my life to live with these principles in mind. I've got to keep moving forward, start being happy again, but I goddamn can't very well force it. However, what I can do is to step back, and smell the roses, and be glad for what I have; life's been really good to me so why should I fight what I've been given? I'm strong enough to bounce back from being hurt so why do I keep up these walls? It's not like backstabbing, betrayal, or leaving me affects me that much any more (re: the Kenny situation). If I don't believe that I have the inner strength to crawl back from anything that's gone wrong, I'll never be able to garner it. So I'm not going to say I'll try, but I will.

It's strange that these lessons took me a whole three years to learn, but hey. Everything happens for a reason. I'm pretty certain that while these three years haven't been easy, I've come out a better person. Or at least, I plan to. When one door shuts behind you, another opens. It's your choice whether you want to walk through them or not. And I'm tired of sitting at the crossroads, waiting for something to come by.

I'm going to walk there myself. Feel free to follow me through.



Normal service should resume in a few days' time.

You win some, you lose some. But twice in a day? OUCH.

these photographs

That moment where you're half-expecting someone to let you down, and then they don't.

I know this is juvenile and still a little silly, but it makes me smile every time I remember that these friendships are real.

- 65

gravity

I can't believe I almost lost sight of what makes me happy, what makes me who I am, and how I got there in the first place.

Thank you, good miss, for kicking my ass back into gear. I can hardly deny that I needed it.

but then again, the battle's actually yours to fight! and you have to remember-

these things will only kill you if you let them. 

- 69

light me up when i'm down.

I can't help but be jealous of people who have the time and energy to spend on doing things that they love.

I hate being this tired all the time, and can't wait until this is all over. Never in my life have I felt so spent, so drained of energy; I hate the fact that I've given up everything for something that I don't even want. That I never even wanted in the first place, even though I keep convincing myself that I made the right choice based on common sense. But then again, fuck common sense. Seriously, since when did that shit do me any good in the first place?

I've always acted on instinct and will and being forced to rein my impulses in is a feeling that I don't quite know how to describe, but everything now seems routine. Forced. I can't even say I enjoy the company of people I love any more, not as much as I used to at least, simply because I constantly feel like I have to be happy and cheery. Strip that away from me, and you've honestly got nothing. Well, bitter thoughts and years of pent-up cynicism, but then again who really needs to know that? I'd be a boring individual if that was all there was to me. Frankly speaking that's what I'm most afraid of turning into and yet it seems to become more real with every passing moment. I'd be no fun. And that's my selling point as a friend, isn't it? I'm the fun one, the cheery one, the quirky weird one that does her own damn thing when she wants, where she wants.

Even the thought of freedom seems so distant, and not something I can derive any sort of happiness from.

All the little victories I've been feeling as of late seem to dwindle away in a matter of seconds. Nothing seems to complete me any more, and I'm faced with the daunting reality that while this will all be over soon a part of it will always be carried with me. While one might argue otherwise, I don't believe this has turned me into a better person. Someone who knows how to act better in public, maybe. I've become better at keeping up appearances and at holding back my thoughts. Definitely skills I'll need out there in the real world, but then again, is it worth all the resentment that's built up as of late?

I can't even say who I resent- nobody here is to blame, so I channel it within myself. There are all these little horrible things about me that I can't help but hate, the jealousy and possessiveness and just the fucking jealousy that never seemed to rear its ugly head. But then again you can argue that it's only as of late that I've been able to truly care about people once again, and sometimes while it's worth it sometimes it fucking hurts. Sometimes it's tempting to return to the numbness and selfishness of me in my first year. Caring for someone is, more often than not, a conscious choice for me. I decide whether the person is worth giving two fucks about and withdraw if I decide they aren't, even though I can appear to on the surface, and way back then I can honestly say that there was one person I truly cared about in my university circles. Maybe it's worth flitting from person to person and place to place, using the temporary high from my adventures and escapades to fill in the emptiness that was true attachment deep down. At least I was happy. More often than not I wonder whether it was a good trade-off, though I understand that human relationships are often so much more tangible than tasting experiences, and that this is a choice that is probably for the wiser.

Perhaps in a few years I'll come back and realise that my woes now were so trivial (are so trivial?) but right now, it all feels very daunting and very real. Trivial, yes, but definitely solid, and I can't help but feel as though I shouldn't be feeling this way because of how much else I have going for me. On paper I have everything I ever wanted, and more, but at the same time I just wish that there would be a period of my life where I didn't always feel so...

Empty.

This is why you have to love your job, kids. Hate it and you become a bitter, angry shell of yourself.

70.

urine speaks louder than words

I can write things better than I can ever say them. Which seems oxymoronic, for someone who can talk and talk for hours on end without stopping to catch her breath, but it's true. Even if the thoughts don't stop swimming through my mind, i stumble as soon as my lips part and I try to say them aloud, my mind blanks and I freeze up and then I burst into tears. I can count on one hand the number of times I have said anything heartfelt to my friends here at university, and recall a particularly embarrassing incident where I literally broke down in public, turning into a sobbing, crying, neurotic mess. How disgracefully the stone walls crumble, how disgusting it is to see a warrior fall!

This is what I used to blog for; I'm starting to remember now. Writing my issues out before me was a way for me to comb through them, to acknowledge that they are real. A little reminder to myself that there are still so many idiotic, immature things about myself that need to be fixed even though I have good days where I feel like I can take on the world, a nagging voice at the back of my mind that echoes through, reminding me that I can't always be happy, despite the front I put up. That no matter how many people I have around me, how many friends we have around us, we all walk this world alone; it's our own path to make and perhaps two entwining roads might meet by chance. Yet there's a part of me that can't help but hope that there will be a few people who, while walking different paths from mine, will run into me more often than not; maybe to stop for a casual chat, or motivate each other to get through the tough times. I don't believe in togetherness as I do in companionship, and there's a big difference between alone and lonely, and I can't help but wish that one day I can speak the words...

i swear that today; i was born to be living!

i have a two-hour gap between media and family law every monday morning when which i am alone, and more often than not i walk to the starbucks nearby, sit down by myself, and have lunch. there's a strange sense of peace when you're alone but not lonely, enjoying the sound of your own typing and watching the world pass by. it's funny to think that every person has a story, that every voice has a sound, and sometimes i can't help but sit back and marvel at how beautiful humanity is, how the littlest things can help craft each and every individual. we may be a hopeless race, but we are not hopeless as individuals. it might be too late to save the world but i believe that we can save ourselves from failure, only if we try. and while it's always an uphill battle, who says that we can't conquer our own personal worlds?

it's probably weird, but i enjoy this time of the week. and not just because it's monday.

i've realised that i need tangible goals to achieve a certain end, definites and charts and numbers.

this seems out of place for someone like me, who prides herself on freedom, originality, and lack of restraint; but nevertheless i can see where it comes from. i am practicality within idealism, madness in stability. chaos that somehow remains controlled.

I don't particularly relate to anyone in Homestuck, though I think that out of all the characters I'm most like Terezi. The similarities are uncanny, to be honest- randomness, lulz, and law, only she's actually interested in justice. Though it's interesting how both of us will do what has to be done for the better, even if it means taking steps that we'll always hate ourselves for.

Even if it feels like some days, the words won't find me, and the music's gone. Even if I'm forgetting the words to my favourite song.

When one door closes, another opens. Everything happens for a reason. (:

- things I learned from uni '12

reflections

as you grow up, you come to realise what you want out of life, and your dreams adjust accordingly; you start to acknowledge what truly is important to you and start to let go of things that aren't. 

i wonder if this is cynicism talking, or if i've simply gotten more realistic over the years. either way, i'm going to get there, and i'm damn well going to make sure that my happiness takes priority. not yours, not hers, but mine.

sometimes, I get homesick for places that aren't home.

signs.

i don't believe in fate or destiny, but i think that everything happens for a reason. today i came back tired, stressed, and wishing that uni was over so that i could be done with statutes and theories i don't give a fuck about. it didn't help that dinner today was about ratings, aesthetics, and other things i'm insecure about but don't speak of, because i know that if i did it would come across as a cry for attention. it's funny how pressure can erase the joys of a monday morning sandwich and the warm glow of the sun: pressure to look good, pressure to do well, pressure to heave the pressure off and start. moving. forward!

not that i didn't enjoy dinner, of course, in its very own way. it was nice to see mike again, in all his douchebaggery, and company with jas is always good. i just sometimes wish that good-looking people didn't take being good-looking for granted, or worse, try to deny it, or even worse, genuinely think that they're ugly. sometimes i see pretty people calling themselves hideous and i think 'okay, if you're really content with looking like shit i can rearrange your face so that you actually do.' not everyone is blessed the same way you are, but at the same time, i can hardly blame them. you don't realise what you had, no, not until it was gone.

it's the truth: this world is a shallow place. we're trained to search for standards of beauty. most girls (and some guys) wouldn't be able to resist a good-looking man. but i digress- this isn't about self-reproach, nor self-pity. while this is a personal blog with a current audience of three, only one of which checks this place as far as i know, some things are best left unsaid on the grounds that i likely won't feel them tomorrow. i have my bipolar tendencies, and i yo-yo from feeling like the scum of the earth to the queen of the universe. but i've digressed too far, tread off the path i was meaning to carve.

ahh, where was i? right.

a lot of this afternoon and evening was spent wondering what was going to happen, wondering what my so-called important sign was. i figured it might have been the fact that i did indeed decide to purchase the dress, even if it was through a cheaper wholesaler off modcloth, but somehow it didn't seem right. like there was something else that had somehow slipped through the cracks, and on my way home, right before the tube hit the last stop before my house, i saw it.

if you want to change something, you have to do it yourself. i'm tired and frustrated with my course, my surroundings, but there's only one way out and that way is up. the pretty/ugly distinction can wait; i can think about it later.

when i graduate and get that 2:1, i plan to go somewhere and yell really loudly that i did it.

it's one of those moments where the sun is shining, the skies are blue, and i just have this feeling that today's going to be good.

i'm a little scared to curse it, but at the same time i have a gut feeling that something important is going to happen today- perhaps not what i'm hoping for, heck, definitely not what i'm hoping for, because it won't be that fast. maybe i'll just have a good dinner. maybe i'll just enjoy class. maybe it'll just mean that i buy that one dress off modcloth, or something along those lines, but either way something good is going to happen, and i think it's going to come in one of the most unexpected ways. important doesn't always have to mean ground-breaking or earth-shattering; it just has to ring through to you.

weightless.

relevant.

snapshots.

changed the template, changed the look. thinking of changing the blog title too. but hey. new blog, new me (or more like improved me? i'm still fundamentally the same person i used to be i think.)

fuck yeah 2012. i'm going to kick your ass. and if you bring forth the end of the world, at least i got to waste the whole of my life in school.

slowly, i feel the urge to return to this place and make it my own.

what to keep, what to change? i'm not even sure. i've altered my signature to reflect my current mindset more than the last- i'm definitely less stressed out than i used to be. definitely a more mellow person now. still crazy, though. always crazy. always will be. don't want to get rid of that recklessness that makes me who i am. thinking of keeping the background, thinking of changing it... leaning towards changing-

after all the template should reflect who i am, what i am. but it's orange. i like orange. (that much hasn't changed.) still indecisive. (yeah that much hasn't changed either.) always wanting to keep options open, always thinking that something better, something greater is right around the bend. haha i should stop thinking about the future sometimes, and start living in the here and now, learn to truly appreciate who and what i have!

so. who have i become in the past... 3 years?

(and why am i even writing this, other than for the reason that i feel like it? it's not like anybody reads this any more.)

1. i'm in my final year of law now. can't wait to get out. so done with it.  time to fly.
2. i ended up going to king's because i didn't get my 38 with 7, 6, 6 at higher level. best mistake i ever made. wish i could go back in time and tell my younger self that. reading my old posts... wow lol what the actual fuck. 
3. so yes, that means i'm living in london. through a strange turn of events i ended up sharing a house with liyun, who's probably one of the best housemates that i could ever ask for. despite my previous post, that is. 
4. law sucks, by the way. so do most of the people. the few that don't actually make law worth it, but i'm sure that there will be ranty posts about that later. many, many ranty posts about that.
5. i didn't capitalise the last word of the last two sentences.
6. ranty sounds like randy. yeah, i've developed a very dirty mind. 
7. still on ianti, which is probably the cause of said dirty mind. never thought i would be but i am. it's actually become a real part of me, for a silly rp site i joined on a whim. a portrait of my teenage years would be incomplete if i didn't include at least a mention of the place.
8. i have a best friend, which would greatly please 17-year-old me. though i've come to realise that labels aren't that important. she's sitting on my toilet with her legs in a bucket, green gunk on her face, a hairband pulling her hair up and looking like a total moron. i decided to write that all out because i never want to lose that mental image of her and i want to be able to return to it in 10 years and laugh my ass off because it is. fucking. priceless. 
9. had a sort-of-ex-boyfriend. that's a fact that probably won't be that significant once i have a NOT-sort-of boyfriend but an actual one, and i'm not so sure that fact would please my younger self. i don't think she'd be proud of how i handled the situation. come to think of it romance really didn't cross my mind all that much back then, compared to how things are now. but hey, i dumped him, instead of it being the other way round. :D i think she'd be glad to know that much.
10. i usually like making lists, but like i always do with my other lists i'm slowly losing interest in this one.
11. yeah i really can't think of anything else that would sufficiently paint a portrait of who i am now except maybe listing who all my friends are now and stuff but err that just feels weird lol.
12. i still really like orange.

haha. sara said that she never reads old things because we should look towards the future, but at the same time i don't know. it's fun to look back, to reflect on how you've grown. it makes you more aware of the person you are now by taking a glimpse at the person you used to be. look at how much things have changed between then and now... and how wading through my old post feels like i'm wading through murky water, searching for shadows of the past.

WOW. PROFOUND.

... yeah i like caps.

i'm starting to think that you're less critical and more considerate when your boyfriend's not around. more easy-going, even.

for the past few weeks, especially this one, i've been feeling a little bit like everything i've been doing is wrong and that i should really just stay out of your way. 可说你变得比较计较，因为他简直就是个计较的人? because seriously, that comment about the ice cream was... well, let's put it this way, if YOU ate all my ice cream i wouldn't give a fuck because we established long ago that in this house it was share and share alike. similarly i didn't complain when i roasted a chicken and both of you took some. or when you guys had some of my pasta. i mean, it's just food. we all share our food and that's what we established from day one. your boyfriend is in our house, he follows our house rules.

i just wish you weren't with a person that would bend over backwards just to keep you happy and wouldn't complain about how you complain all the time, because that in itself is irony. he's a guest in this house, so please stop whining about what's not right in it and just suck it up. yes, it's bare, yes, it's empty, but guess what: i'm a fucking student and i don't have the urge to buy all this fucking technology like he does, so he should stop complaining about how we could really do with some gaming console or some random ass technology in the living room because I REALLY DON'T NEED, NOR WANT ONE.

ahhhh. why do i feel so strongly about this. i know he treats you well and that you're happy with him, and i should be happy that you're with someone that doesn't treat you like crap, you got lucky in that sense and all but... ughhh. .___. why.

though if you break up with him, i'll miss his brother.

also, why the fuck can't i put music in here? i swear, tumblr is so much better.

hmm.

it's funny how things and people have changed.

i spent a lot of the past two days going through what i wrote while i was in the IB. lots of self-indulgent nonsense, time spent fretting over something that could have been solved if i'd gone up to the person in question and confronted her about it like a rational person. it's laughable, actually. to think that i put so much emphasis on a friendship that really didn't last. she was my best friend but people change and people move on. i should have given her that instead of wallowing in self-pity, and learned to suck it up and move on.

i move on faster these days. too quickly, some may argue. but hey. i see no sense being upset all the time. if shit happens, you resolve it, and you go on with life. bam, bam. bam. easy as that. and if it's something that can't be solved immediately, you either spend time solving it or just pack the fuck up and move on. i spent two, three years from what happened back then being distant, being numb- and then one day i realised that if i wasn't going to let anyone in, i'd just be lonely for the rest of my life. walking this sea of people alone. so i'm trying, i guess. i don't know how much i believe in auras and the like but when we finally got to meet up in the summer, dahlia said that mine was scattered, chaotic but stable in its mess, but somehow incomplete. healing, she said? haha. i wonder if my aura would feel different now. it's just been a few months but hey, i wonder sometimes, about the supernatural and all that. the personality psychological stuff that she really believes in, that too.

on that topic, apparently my aura?

it's blue.

considering how much i love orange i think it's funny, but fitting at the same time.


dark blue, dark blue. my life's theme song, perhaps? or maybe i just relate too closely to knife.

lol. i would never have thought i'd relate more to him than morrigan when i first wrote in here, but with time i've come to accept that it's true.

i'm also still on ianti. what the fucking hell lol.

sometimes i wonder whether i was more emotionally unstable because i was young, or because i had more free time to think. or maybe i wasn't even that, and it was all some sick cry for attention. probably the latter, actually. during the IB, i remember being happy most of the time. i wonder if i'll look back at my university years and remember being happy most of the time. i probably will. or perhaps it was just a roller-coaster ride of emotions like i am so prone to having all the time.

i'm not feeling particularly happy at myself right now, that's for certain, but i think that despite the usual angst and the emotions that every human is prone to, i am largely happy. (i really need to remember that fact, sometimes, especially the week before my ovaries explode.) and despite my whining and tears about everything being a waste of time, it's great here... i love it in london. i actually do. now if only lse would accept me already-

wow come to think of it this really IS coming full circle. i wrote in here through my applications, and i've revisited it while i'm applying for grad school. well, here i am, and here i am writing. it's definitely not for an audience because i would have posted it on tumblr if it was, but why not on one of my later blogs? i suppose it's because i used to write here while i still wasn't afraid to show others what i thought, what i felt. or at least, open enough to write cryptic messages of self-reproach in public for the world to read rather than just bottling it up beneath a facade of happiness and lulz. i wrote here before i felt the need to put on that brocade, that mask, to use a cliched metaphor.


alexis said that when she first met me, i felt guarded. like i had something to hide. barriers struck really high up and walls built so high that i couldn't climb over them even if i tried. she met me in the middle of the summer, i stopped writing here at the beginning of it. i've always been rather shaky in my trust, yes, or at least i have been since i was fifteen or sixteen. however i never really realised how open i was about my thoughts and feelings despite this until i hit eighteen or so. these things that seem so personal... i can't believe that i showed them to so many people. exposed my heart.

now i pick and choose who i trust, but at least there are people i trust now. i believe this to be wiser. though maybe in three years i'll revisit this again and believe that to be even more foolish. people change and grow, after all, and i think i've grown a fuck ton. i even did a personality test that i took way back when and i got a different result, after all.

so here's wei yun, in 2012... hailing in a new (ish) year. maybe i'll come back to this place once again. maybe this will be the last time, though i sincerely doubt so. either way, i'm glad for this place.

it's let me see how i've changed and grown.

rereading all this-

wow, i've changed.

and for the better.

C: