almost there, almost there. ALMOST THERE.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in it's absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
You'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

HEY FUTURE FISH

i have so many emotions and thoughts about the latest season of free haha.

i guess one of them is just how much i saw myself in rin this season despite disliking him so intensely the last. this is especially in regards to his relationship with haru. in many ways i've been the person bringing other people out of their funks a lot over the past year or so, and i think that was reflected a lot in him. this is especially because of how significant it was that haru was a large part of why rin stopped being an idiot last season.

the reason i disliked s1 rin so much was probably because of how much he was like me when i was fifteen. angry, raging, taking my negative feelings and jealousy out on other people. so in many ways his character development is a lot like how i see myself now? if that makes any sense? because he's just... there for everyone, i guess. he's so so grateful to his friends for helping him

also lol @ haru reminding me of failtwin. cries a lot. when rin dragged haru to australia it just all made so much sense??? because i want to take her on all the adventures and drag her around the world to all my old hiding spots as well, she's been in one place all her life and it's not fair i want to show her what's out there because she's so wonderful and she deserves so so so much better. lmfao.

but aaaah. i'm still a mess over this stupid show. i now want to cosplay rin. robin has agreed to be nitori so i think i'm going to do it :'D

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT

i've actually probably actually managed to pinpoint the fucking problem that has permeated my entire life up until this point. i am /SCARED SHITLESS/ of people figuring me out. that's what it is. like 'hello i am private person' and that's why i used to?? still???? okay maybe not so much. have so many walls and that sort of bullshit. like it's not even like there are any secrets i'm literally just scared of people figuring out who i am because i feel like if they did they would lose a lot of respect for me. and i think that also comes as a result of being so critical of other people.

because HONESTLY SPEAKING i don't think i'm a shittier person than anyone else out there. sure i've got some mean cynical thoughts and i can be kind of bitchy/gossipy but uh i think literally everyone else can be like that. but for some reason i don't want people figuring me out 100%. only one maybe two people have the 95%. the other 5% is denial so maybe they've figured that out too.

and that's why i think this scares me. THIS IS WHY I GET SO PARANOID WHEN TWO OF MY FRIENDS FROM TWO DIFFERENT CIRCLES GET TOGETHER AND COMPARE NOTES BECAUSE WELL I SHOW ALL CIRCLES DIFFERENT SIDES OF ME. this is literally it. this is the nail on the head.

honestly though WHAT?? IS THERE TO HIDE?? WHAT IS THERE TO BE SCARED ABOUT???? LIKE THIS IS LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PROBLEM it's like i'm guarding something and everyone assumes that it's some sort of fort knox of secrets but you stare inside and it's literally just trash. no deep dark secrets here (none that at least one person doesn't know, anyway.)

INCREDIBLE. HOW DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY-THREE YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. i am SUCH a fucking genius. so on one hand it's like LIGHTBULB WENT OFF but on the other hand it's like. are you FUCKING kidding me. someone give me my money back, i want a refund containing my common sense. until then i am returning to the memebin where i belong in PROTEST of what just happened over the past few years because I AM A FUCKING FUMB SHIT who can't even spell dumb properly holy cow.

at least i've realized what the problem is. christ i don't even know whether i want to talk about it with the people that sort of made it resurface because this... really isn't their fault. it's more mine than anything else. and i don't want to jeapordize anything. but i'm still scared. and i think this might be why i've been kind of bad with relationships. like i'm not unattractive (at least i don't think i am) but i'm p sure that i do give off the aura of someone who's kind of closed off.

like 'beep beep no going past wall 1 nyooooom'

this is why i still wanna write dumb messed up cal tbh, because i feel u bro.

i've been feeling kind of weird for a few days. alexis is right, i'm hanging out with the same group way too much. i thrive on variety and i'm already starting to feel stagnant. and while i love my group (a lot lot lot lot lot) sometimes i'm just like EYEROLLS just like how i'm pretty sure people roll their eyes about me all the time. it's nothing personal, we all just do things other people don't like. i don't think that i've got a close friend who hasn't been at least irritated at my behavior at least once.

god i hope the nickelodeon thing works out (because i need to make a record here that i DID get accepted to intern with nickelodeon and that if it doesn't work out this wasn't a fantasy or a pipe dream or anything fuckkk visas, fuck being an international) because i'm already starting to fall into the pattern i was falling into in my first few months here when i was bored as hell.

i yap a lot about being too busy and about having no time to myself but i think that i function better that way? idk idk. like i literally did almost nothing all day. at least my room is now a room i guess. just. thoughts thoughts thoughts.

i also want to rp like mad but all my usual partners are busy-ish with life so i feel kind of bad poking/prodding. especially because i know that IF october works out, i will be too busy and tired to want to rp anyway.

fingers crossed, here's to hoping that this semester is going to be a good one. i've got faith in me!

(written 5/16/14) on growing older, i guess.

wow uh okay what was that.

i guess it's something i sort of knew but it wasn't something that i was... expecting? i mean, i'm kind of glad that it's out there but at the same time... huh.

growing up is hard. people drift apart. i think i know that all too well. it's happened to me so many times that i don't feel like it's something that i really need to feel sad about any more. and i know that it can come across as me not trying or me preparing for an eventuality but it isn't. it's just a fact of life.

i understand that by staying in college and doing something else yes, people have left me behind. i was kind of hit in the face by that when i went back to england and met up with serene lol, and have repeatedly been hit by that realization. but it's life. i don't think i'm really sad about it. and i know that people may say that i keep repeating it like i'm trying to convince myself of it, but the reason i keep repeating it in my personal thoughts and personal blog and when i'm talking to people is because i want them to realize it. because. it. happens.

but if it happens it won't be from lack of effort on my part. but at the same time there's only so much that effort can do? you put in 50% and they put in 50% but if you aren't working on the same equation something's going to give. and if it means a friendship, that's okay. you can try and fight for it but if it doesn't work it doesn't work there's no such thing as a perfect friendship and i can see acutely that me and everyone around me and in fact every person in the world is beating to the beat of a different drum. none of us walk the same paths and much as i say that right now i have some of the best friends that i'll ever have, i can tell you that i won't be as close to many of them in years to come.

that's okay though. isn't the meaning of true friendship someone you can talk to years later and it'll still be like old times? and i suppose that's also why the idea of being tied down scares me. i enjoy liberation. i enjoy independence. you were right when you said that it's a burden to think that i was neglecting you. yes, it was, especially for me, but i did it because i cared. because not being sad about a negative potential occurrence does not mean that i want to prevent it from happening.

but i'm a kicker. i'm a fighter. i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (there's no wrong side: don't be silly. it's what you make of it, what you think of it.) shit happens and i get stressed out and life gets me down, but i can fight through it.

that's really all i want people to understand about me

and all that i need to put out there.

note to self.

i should trust my gut more often, because nine out of ten times when i think someone's feeling down i tend to be right.

now i feel terrible for wondering and not bringing it up. like i've failed you as a friend, y'know?

i don't think most of my new friends know that my lifelong dream is still to become an author.

maybe i need to go back and reevaluate my priorities so that i don't lose myself in plan b.

lmao I sometimes wonder whether this is actually a trigger for me. Then I remember what happened to me has happened to almost every girl or dfab person I know especially the ones I met in New York City and I don't know why this hit me so badly but I think I might?? Have been triggered?? And I think I'm overreacting and sometimes I wonder whether the whole incident was all in my head and whether I may?? Be trying to make myself?? The victim or something I don't know but either way what happened today set off something in me it's like a slow burn that has come to a peak and I can't sleep and I want to puke and I need to go out tomorrow but I don't think I can I feel gross I want to puke and I just want a hug and I don't I can't I can't i can't I can't why is this hitting me so hard it happens to EVERYONE

i woke up this morning with an awful awful nightmare and i still feel like crying even though it's 11:45 and i have work to do and i just. feel like shit. and i want to cry really badly and i'm the only person in the office but i can't because i have a birthday party to go to later and it'll wreck my makeup and and and and and ;;;;;

one `

dare i call you my platonic soul mate?

you're the peanut butter to my jelly, i guess. only not quite, because that would imply that we were opposites. to be fair, that is what we are in so many ways. if anyone met us separately they would probably never guess we were friends. but inwardly we gel together and most of all, we understand. i'm water, you're glue. we're the dynamic duo, the ones that come in a set. but we aren't the same.

too many people make that mistake. i am torn between wanting to mock them or to correct them. and it is because of these differences that i wonder sometimes if i am being too overbearing. these thoughts do not linger for long however. if i was, you would not embrace my presence like you do, would you, or at least it is what i hope to think. sometimes i cannot help but worry, but that is just my nature.

i care either too much or too little at a given time, and for you it is the former.

confidence isn't your strong suit. you tell me you aren't pretty. though you are gorgeous, i want to respond. when you smile it looks like sunshine and when you laugh it's like a summer wind has enveloped me in an embrace. this isn't something you can see in the mirror, but your happiness is contagious. when we are together i find myself grinning so much that my cheeks start to ache, and that my lips are cracked from smiling too widely. but i can't help it. it's the effect that you have on me. the feeling that someone understands me on a level that nobody can hope to.

sometimes i worry for you, but most of the time i am certain that you will be okay. you are one of the toughest, strongest, most amazing people that i know. while i am older i know you bear burdens much heavier than mine, but you do so beautifully with such grace. so my protective instinct kicks in, like that of an older sister. you don't have to tell me that nobody has ever really looked out for you, and i don't want to assume. though may you allow me to come to that deduction? and most of all, will you give me permission--

if nobody has looked out for you before, please let me be the first.

i know i'm not one to talk. i'm not someone who remembers to look before she leaps. i'm too brash, too crude, and sarcastic remarks fall faster from my lips than kind words. it is in those ways where we are one and the same. but i have experience that you do not, just as you have your own, as well as a tenacity that i have always admired. all i have to protect you with are words, but words can do so much.

there are times when i i talk more than i can deliver. but i truly mean it when i say that one day we'll be together again, for the long term. we'll be in the same city and lead lives that finally intertwine with one another's, the way i only thought friendships happened in fiction.

hopefully by then, our conversations will end with 'goodnight' instead of 'goodbye'.

we are beautiful ; we are doomed.

absence makes the heart grow fonder, fondness makes the absence longer. 

once again i've had the urge to do the letters to people thing. though not the way i used to do it on ianti where i would write just one or two lines for everyone-- i want to write long, detailed letters that are almost like declarations of love. like love letters, almost, only not quite.

i kind of want to post them in a more public medium that isn't ianti, but i don't really want to stretch my dash. maybe i'll create a second tumblr just for writing, musings, and these letters i guess...? the struggle is super real. or i could post them in a writing topic. aaaaah ianti seems too impersonal for that though. and what of my friends who aren't even really on ianti. and my friends who no longer are.

i'm not even 100% sure if i want people to read the letters i wrote for them ;__; maybe i'll write them here first and then decide lol woops.

(k, if you're reading this, suggestions? thoughts? you're the only person i know who actually checks this blog lol, i think everyone else left it for dead years ago.)

i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (wrong side? what wrong side?)

i just got back in touch with my old best friend from high school. she's had a rough few years-- she had to drop out of college because of personal stuff and is only now trying to get her life back on track. i hadn't spoken to her since 2011. i thought she'd just decided to drop everyone back like she dropped me back when we were dumb kids, and since it was so long ago i hadn't thought much of it. we were all dumb kids, after all, and 2009-2011 was my cynical phase. where i didn't trust anyone and where i thought everyone was out to get me. i legitimately didn't care.

talking to her again was sobering. there's always two sides to a story, i guess. we were both dumb stupid kids and i can't help but feel like if we were in the same place now... we could be friends again, i guess. five years can do a lot to a person. i forgive you, pin. i never thought that i'd say this in 2011, but i do. we've both grown and changed and become drastically different people, and we're both older? smarter.

i hope you can forgive me for being an ass too.

just a record, for posterity.

columbia university, alfred lerner hall.

i just want to say that the past... eight months? nine months? have been some of the best of my life. like i literally never thought that i could be this happy, but i am. so much has changed since i moved to new york city and today was just a really good day and i'm overwhelmed by how /good/ i feel about everything and everyone right now. sometimes i realize how good i have it and how many people out there care for me and... i'm just really overwhelmed with feelings. haha.

like i always talked in here about striking the balance between happy and being content and i think that for the first time since the cambridge program, i'm actually happy again. the reason i was feeling so bad about leaving was because it made my heart swell with a feeling that i was in constant search of for the next four or five years, whether i realized it or not. and now i've got it... god i don't want to let it go. i don't want to let this go.

it hasn't been an easy semester. heck, it hasn't been an easy two semesters. i've had tears and sadness and probably cried more than i did in the past? but at the same time i've laughed more. had more fun. done so much more. i had my first kiss in a nightclub in october (and i'm really, really glad i gave it to a random stranger, fyi-- just a mysterious face and a name and no bad memories to taint it) and i really, really like kissing. i won't say that i've become loose or anything because i haven't (still a virgin lmao) but i think i've become a lot more free with giving physical affection.

still a romantic? maybe. i don't know any more. i really don't want a relationship at this point in time at all, because i've just been having so much fun exploring. besides, in many ways, i think that in london i was kind of pretty much married to alexis lol. like janice always says that she's kind of in a relationship with simone i think we were kind of there as well, in the platonically bonded kind of way. and over here i guess i'm dealing a little bit with long-distance. i think we're handling it well though! good thing about friendships is that they aren't exclusive.

ahahaha i have a best friend now though. in fact, two. well i have a lot of best friends, but two people have kind of wormed their way into that special space. i don't want to tell anyone else who they are because god i know i'd make a ton of people butthurt. lmao god i know who would be number one on that list. but alexis and failtwin? you guys are special. like super special. ewww gross hahaha yeah shut up this is ridiculous.

speaking of failtwin might i also make a record here that NOBODY HAS EVER SURPRISED ME LIKE SHE DID BEFORE?? showing up in new york city without telling me was an A+ move and i'm so glad that she did the ninja thing where she checked to see that i was free. like oh god she could have come the week before that or something. i'm so happy that she did it and i might maybe get to see her again soon and!! it would be so amazing.

but yeah. i'm just in a really good place right now. still floating. still drifting. but at least i'm doing it in the right direction. i love everyone so much right now.