you make your own luck, and something's going to go my way soon. i know i've been working for it, and i can feel it, taste it at the tip of my tongue- it's almost within my grasp! it's just there! i can do this. i will do this. it's almost there, i'm almost there---

my heart's on overdrive!

I am, admittedly, emotionally high-maintenance.

I will be the first to admit that I am difficult to handle. I have erratic mood swings, many of which I cannot explain. While I am in the process of sorting this out, it still remains that the fact that a particularly close friend said that she was this close to ending our friendship after witnessing the true extent of my emotions cannot help but haunt me, especially when it is about something that I cannot control. Upsetting, but understandable. This is where a lot of my fear of close friendships stemmed from when I was younger, frankly speaking, the fact that I didn't think that people could handle me. However, with my not-so-epic realisation from a while back, I also realised that I can't change my moods, but I can learn to take heed of them better, and learn how to handle them. That is, after all, part of growing up.

I am, despite what I like to say, in my own way, growing up.

(I would also like to clarify that somewhere along the line, I realised that if I never learned to get close to people, I would never know whether people would be able to handle me or not- and then even more recently I realised, screw people if they can't handle me because I can damn well handle myself.)

We all can be dumbasses when it comes to our emotions. I am, in some ways, a bigger dumbass than most, but as of late I have been reminded of the things I am good at, and the fact that I have been truly blessed in many ways, whether I realised it or not. I have a lot going for me, and at the age of twenty I have achieved more than I could ever have hoped to achieve, save for my juvenile idealism of having published a novel by now.

That can wait, though. Just because I'm pushing some plans back doesn't mean that I will never attain my goals. Slowly, I'm walking back onto the path that I mapped out for myself, and I like how it's looking.

Inspiration struck twice today, and even though I couldn't address it because of jurisprudence it filled me with an inexplicable sense of joy.

I am an emotional person. And while emotions cannot exactly be quantified, I would say that I am more emotional than most. However, it is arguable that females are naturally more prone to feeling emotional- or at least, we are more prone to showing it, whether we want to or not. Whether this is a matter of nature, or nurture, I do not know. Yet I was speaking to a friend of mine that would date both males and females quite willingly, and she said it herself: she would take more emotional flak from a girl than from a guy. There is some expectation for males to be more stoic and emotionless, I suppose. To be the white knight, and to sweep us off our feet. I myself don't think I'd be able to deal with someone who was an emotional train wreck, though I did find it particularly sweet when Jade said she'd be Dave's hero.

But Dave isn't going to be able to let Jade save him forever. Even Harley can get tired. Nobody likes constantly picking up after someone's shit, but girls sadly have more leeway than guys do. A girl bursts out crying in public and people run to comfort her. I can't imagine any guy doing that without having some fear of being called a sissy. Not that Dave would do that beneath his coolkid exterior, of course, but some day, the kid's got to sort himself out. And if SBURB doesn't give him a ridiculously intense case of PTSD, I think it might just help him. Yet there's all that fanfiction out there where Dave has nightmares and can't get to sleep, and I can't help but look at him and wonder whether he'll ever be all right; but then again, life never throws you anything you can't handle.

Besides, he's a Strider, right? He'll sort himself out.

I wonder how harshly Arya felt it when she realised that she wasn't going to be treated the same way as Arry. Or the transition from Princess Arya Stark to scullery-maid. I think she probably handled it better than Dave, though. She's less self-indulgent with her emotions. Sometimes, I wish women could learn to be more like Arya. Or Daenerys- but then again we all have the capability to be, y'know? We just need to tap into ourselves. We can be emotional, yes, but we can also be strong- and we can channel those emotions into strength.










Oh man, you're right. I have a tendency to live in my head. But it's not just in terms of self-reflection, you see, because- I'm always writing some story or other in there, whether you know it or not. Sometimes when I smile in the middle of nowhere, don't be afraid- I'm just replaying a particularly silly scene, or, if you might, enjoying an inside joke with myself. (:

I miss my sisters; seeing Lex and Jin together has made me think about how nice it is to be around someone who understands you, who cares for you, and who will be there for you until the very end.

self, meet writing muse.

it's been a while :D

3000 words written at starbucks instead of doing jurisprudence. argh i'm going to regret this so much later but dude this feels awesome. trolololol.

now time to go work on liberalism and its discontents! i can do this, but only if i try- no. i WILL do this! and i WILL make it very. fucking. awesome.