i have so many emotions and thoughts about the latest season of free haha.
i guess one of them is just how much i saw myself in rin this season despite disliking him so intensely the last. this is especially in regards to his relationship with haru. in many ways i've been the person bringing other people out of their funks a lot over the past year or so, and i think that was reflected a lot in him. this is especially because of how significant it was that haru was a large part of why rin stopped being an idiot last season.
the reason i disliked s1 rin so much was probably because of how much he was like me when i was fifteen. angry, raging, taking my negative feelings and jealousy out on other people. so in many ways his character development is a lot like how i see myself now? if that makes any sense? because he's just... there for everyone, i guess. he's so so grateful to his friends for helping him
also lol @ haru reminding me of failtwin. cries a lot. when rin dragged haru to australia it just all made so much sense??? because i want to take her on all the adventures and drag her around the world to all my old hiding spots as well, she's been in one place all her life and it's not fair i want to show her what's out there because she's so wonderful and she deserves so so so much better. lmfao.
but aaaah. i'm still a mess over this stupid show. i now want to cosplay rin. robin has agreed to be nitori so i think i'm going to do it :'D
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT
i've actually probably actually managed to pinpoint the fucking problem that has permeated my entire life up until this point. i am /SCARED SHITLESS/ of people figuring me out. that's what it is. like 'hello i am private person' and that's why i used to?? still???? okay maybe not so much. have so many walls and that sort of bullshit. like it's not even like there are any secrets i'm literally just scared of people figuring out who i am because i feel like if they did they would lose a lot of respect for me. and i think that also comes as a result of being so critical of other people.
because HONESTLY SPEAKING i don't think i'm a shittier person than anyone else out there. sure i've got some mean cynical thoughts and i can be kind of bitchy/gossipy but uh i think literally everyone else can be like that. but for some reason i don't want people figuring me out 100%. only one maybe two people have the 95%. the other 5% is denial so maybe they've figured that out too.
and that's why i think this scares me. THIS IS WHY I GET SO PARANOID WHEN TWO OF MY FRIENDS FROM TWO DIFFERENT CIRCLES GET TOGETHER AND COMPARE NOTES BECAUSE WELL I SHOW ALL CIRCLES DIFFERENT SIDES OF ME. this is literally it. this is the nail on the head.
honestly though WHAT?? IS THERE TO HIDE?? WHAT IS THERE TO BE SCARED ABOUT???? LIKE THIS IS LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PROBLEM it's like i'm guarding something and everyone assumes that it's some sort of fort knox of secrets but you stare inside and it's literally just trash. no deep dark secrets here (none that at least one person doesn't know, anyway.)
INCREDIBLE. HOW DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY-THREE YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. i am SUCH a fucking genius. so on one hand it's like LIGHTBULB WENT OFF but on the other hand it's like. are you FUCKING kidding me. someone give me my money back, i want a refund containing my common sense. until then i am returning to the memebin where i belong in PROTEST of what just happened over the past few years because I AM A FUCKING FUMB SHIT who can't even spell dumb properly holy cow.
at least i've realized what the problem is. christ i don't even know whether i want to talk about it with the people that sort of made it resurface because this... really isn't their fault. it's more mine than anything else. and i don't want to jeapordize anything. but i'm still scared. and i think this might be why i've been kind of bad with relationships. like i'm not unattractive (at least i don't think i am) but i'm p sure that i do give off the aura of someone who's kind of closed off.
like 'beep beep no going past wall 1 nyooooom'
this is why i still wanna write dumb messed up cal tbh, because i feel u bro.
because HONESTLY SPEAKING i don't think i'm a shittier person than anyone else out there. sure i've got some mean cynical thoughts and i can be kind of bitchy/gossipy but uh i think literally everyone else can be like that. but for some reason i don't want people figuring me out 100%. only one maybe two people have the 95%. the other 5% is denial so maybe they've figured that out too.
and that's why i think this scares me. THIS IS WHY I GET SO PARANOID WHEN TWO OF MY FRIENDS FROM TWO DIFFERENT CIRCLES GET TOGETHER AND COMPARE NOTES BECAUSE WELL I SHOW ALL CIRCLES DIFFERENT SIDES OF ME. this is literally it. this is the nail on the head.
honestly though WHAT?? IS THERE TO HIDE?? WHAT IS THERE TO BE SCARED ABOUT???? LIKE THIS IS LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PROBLEM it's like i'm guarding something and everyone assumes that it's some sort of fort knox of secrets but you stare inside and it's literally just trash. no deep dark secrets here (none that at least one person doesn't know, anyway.)
INCREDIBLE. HOW DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY-THREE YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. i am SUCH a fucking genius. so on one hand it's like LIGHTBULB WENT OFF but on the other hand it's like. are you FUCKING kidding me. someone give me my money back, i want a refund containing my common sense. until then i am returning to the memebin where i belong in PROTEST of what just happened over the past few years because I AM A FUCKING FUMB SHIT who can't even spell dumb properly holy cow.
at least i've realized what the problem is. christ i don't even know whether i want to talk about it with the people that sort of made it resurface because this... really isn't their fault. it's more mine than anything else. and i don't want to jeapordize anything. but i'm still scared. and i think this might be why i've been kind of bad with relationships. like i'm not unattractive (at least i don't think i am) but i'm p sure that i do give off the aura of someone who's kind of closed off.
like 'beep beep no going past wall 1 nyooooom'
this is why i still wanna write dumb messed up cal tbh, because i feel u bro.
i've been feeling kind of weird for a few days. alexis is right, i'm hanging out with the same group way too much. i thrive on variety and i'm already starting to feel stagnant. and while i love my group (a lot lot lot lot lot) sometimes i'm just like EYEROLLS just like how i'm pretty sure people roll their eyes about me all the time. it's nothing personal, we all just do things other people don't like. i don't think that i've got a close friend who hasn't been at least irritated at my behavior at least once.
god i hope the nickelodeon thing works out (because i need to make a record here that i DID get accepted to intern with nickelodeon and that if it doesn't work out this wasn't a fantasy or a pipe dream or anything fuckkk visas, fuck being an international) because i'm already starting to fall into the pattern i was falling into in my first few months here when i was bored as hell.
i yap a lot about being too busy and about having no time to myself but i think that i function better that way? idk idk. like i literally did almost nothing all day. at least my room is now a room i guess. just. thoughts thoughts thoughts.
i also want to rp like mad but all my usual partners are busy-ish with life so i feel kind of bad poking/prodding. especially because i know that IF october works out, i will be too busy and tired to want to rp anyway.
fingers crossed, here's to hoping that this semester is going to be a good one. i've got faith in me!
god i hope the nickelodeon thing works out (because i need to make a record here that i DID get accepted to intern with nickelodeon and that if it doesn't work out this wasn't a fantasy or a pipe dream or anything fuckkk visas, fuck being an international) because i'm already starting to fall into the pattern i was falling into in my first few months here when i was bored as hell.
i yap a lot about being too busy and about having no time to myself but i think that i function better that way? idk idk. like i literally did almost nothing all day. at least my room is now a room i guess. just. thoughts thoughts thoughts.
i also want to rp like mad but all my usual partners are busy-ish with life so i feel kind of bad poking/prodding. especially because i know that IF october works out, i will be too busy and tired to want to rp anyway.
fingers crossed, here's to hoping that this semester is going to be a good one. i've got faith in me!
(written 5/16/14) on growing older, i guess.
wow uh okay what was that.
i guess it's something i sort of knew but it wasn't something that i was... expecting? i mean, i'm kind of glad that it's out there but at the same time... huh.
growing up is hard. people drift apart. i think i know that all too well. it's happened to me so many times that i don't feel like it's something that i really need to feel sad about any more. and i know that it can come across as me not trying or me preparing for an eventuality but it isn't. it's just a fact of life.
i understand that by staying in college and doing something else yes, people have left me behind. i was kind of hit in the face by that when i went back to england and met up with serene lol, and have repeatedly been hit by that realization. but it's life. i don't think i'm really sad about it. and i know that people may say that i keep repeating it like i'm trying to convince myself of it, but the reason i keep repeating it in my personal thoughts and personal blog and when i'm talking to people is because i want them to realize it. because. it. happens.
but if it happens it won't be from lack of effort on my part. but at the same time there's only so much that effort can do? you put in 50% and they put in 50% but if you aren't working on the same equation something's going to give. and if it means a friendship, that's okay. you can try and fight for it but if it doesn't work it doesn't work there's no such thing as a perfect friendship and i can see acutely that me and everyone around me and in fact every person in the world is beating to the beat of a different drum. none of us walk the same paths and much as i say that right now i have some of the best friends that i'll ever have, i can tell you that i won't be as close to many of them in years to come.
that's okay though. isn't the meaning of true friendship someone you can talk to years later and it'll still be like old times? and i suppose that's also why the idea of being tied down scares me. i enjoy liberation. i enjoy independence. you were right when you said that it's a burden to think that i was neglecting you. yes, it was, especially for me, but i did it because i cared. because not being sad about a negative potential occurrence does not mean that i want to prevent it from happening.
but i'm a kicker. i'm a fighter. i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (there's no wrong side: don't be silly. it's what you make of it, what you think of it.) shit happens and i get stressed out and life gets me down, but i can fight through it.
that's really all i want people to understand about me
and all that i need to put out there.
i guess it's something i sort of knew but it wasn't something that i was... expecting? i mean, i'm kind of glad that it's out there but at the same time... huh.
growing up is hard. people drift apart. i think i know that all too well. it's happened to me so many times that i don't feel like it's something that i really need to feel sad about any more. and i know that it can come across as me not trying or me preparing for an eventuality but it isn't. it's just a fact of life.
i understand that by staying in college and doing something else yes, people have left me behind. i was kind of hit in the face by that when i went back to england and met up with serene lol, and have repeatedly been hit by that realization. but it's life. i don't think i'm really sad about it. and i know that people may say that i keep repeating it like i'm trying to convince myself of it, but the reason i keep repeating it in my personal thoughts and personal blog and when i'm talking to people is because i want them to realize it. because. it. happens.
but if it happens it won't be from lack of effort on my part. but at the same time there's only so much that effort can do? you put in 50% and they put in 50% but if you aren't working on the same equation something's going to give. and if it means a friendship, that's okay. you can try and fight for it but if it doesn't work it doesn't work there's no such thing as a perfect friendship and i can see acutely that me and everyone around me and in fact every person in the world is beating to the beat of a different drum. none of us walk the same paths and much as i say that right now i have some of the best friends that i'll ever have, i can tell you that i won't be as close to many of them in years to come.
that's okay though. isn't the meaning of true friendship someone you can talk to years later and it'll still be like old times? and i suppose that's also why the idea of being tied down scares me. i enjoy liberation. i enjoy independence. you were right when you said that it's a burden to think that i was neglecting you. yes, it was, especially for me, but i did it because i cared. because not being sad about a negative potential occurrence does not mean that i want to prevent it from happening.
but i'm a kicker. i'm a fighter. i can't swing across the balance beams and i can't walk a tightrope for nuts, but i can claw my way through quicksand by the power of sheer will. my superpowers are a lot of positivity and a bit of luck, and i'm the kind of person who doesn't know left from right to describe the correct side of the bed to get up on. (there's no wrong side: don't be silly. it's what you make of it, what you think of it.) shit happens and i get stressed out and life gets me down, but i can fight through it.
that's really all i want people to understand about me
and all that i need to put out there.
note to self.
i should trust my gut more often, because nine out of ten times when i think someone's feeling down i tend to be right.
now i feel terrible for wondering and not bringing it up. like i've failed you as a friend, y'know?
now i feel terrible for wondering and not bringing it up. like i've failed you as a friend, y'know?
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