changed the template, changed the look. thinking of changing the blog title too. but hey. new blog, new me (or more like improved me? i'm still fundamentally the same person i used to be i think.)
fuck yeah 2012. i'm going to kick your ass. and if you bring forth the end of the world, at least i got to waste the whole of my life in school.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
slowly, i feel the urge to return to this place and make it my own.
what to keep, what to change? i'm not even sure. i've altered my signature to reflect my current mindset more than the last- i'm definitely less stressed out than i used to be. definitely a more mellow person now. still crazy, though. always crazy. always will be. don't want to get rid of that recklessness that makes me who i am. thinking of keeping the background, thinking of changing it... leaning towards changing-
after all the template should reflect who i am, what i am. but it's orange. i like orange. (that much hasn't changed.) still indecisive. (yeah that much hasn't changed either.) always wanting to keep options open, always thinking that something better, something greater is right around the bend. haha i should stop thinking about the future sometimes, and start living in the here and now, learn to truly appreciate who and what i have!
so. who have i become in the past... 3 years?
(and why am i even writing this, other than for the reason that i feel like it? it's not like anybody reads this any more.)
WOW. PROFOUND.
... yeah i like caps.
what to keep, what to change? i'm not even sure. i've altered my signature to reflect my current mindset more than the last- i'm definitely less stressed out than i used to be. definitely a more mellow person now. still crazy, though. always crazy. always will be. don't want to get rid of that recklessness that makes me who i am. thinking of keeping the background, thinking of changing it... leaning towards changing-
after all the template should reflect who i am, what i am. but it's orange. i like orange. (that much hasn't changed.) still indecisive. (yeah that much hasn't changed either.) always wanting to keep options open, always thinking that something better, something greater is right around the bend. haha i should stop thinking about the future sometimes, and start living in the here and now, learn to truly appreciate who and what i have!
so. who have i become in the past... 3 years?
(and why am i even writing this, other than for the reason that i feel like it? it's not like anybody reads this any more.)
- i'm in my final year of law now. can't wait to get out. so done with it. time to fly.
- i ended up going to king's because i didn't get my 38 with 7, 6, 6 at higher level. best mistake i ever made. wish i could go back in time and tell my younger self that. reading my old posts... wow lol what the actual fuck.
- so yes, that means i'm living in london. through a strange turn of events i ended up sharing a house with liyun, who's probably one of the best housemates that i could ever ask for. despite my previous post, that is.
- law sucks, by the way. so do most of the people. the few that don't actually make law worth it, but i'm sure that there will be ranty posts about that later. many, many ranty posts about that.
- i didn't capitalise the last word of the last two sentences.
- ranty sounds like randy. yeah, i've developed a very dirty mind.
- still on ianti, which is probably the cause of said dirty mind. never thought i would be but i am. it's actually become a real part of me, for a silly rp site i joined on a whim. a portrait of my teenage years would be incomplete if i didn't include at least a mention of the place.
- i have a best friend, which would greatly please 17-year-old me. though i've come to realise that labels aren't that important. she's sitting on my toilet with her legs in a bucket, green gunk on her face, a hairband pulling her hair up and looking like a total moron. i decided to write that all out because i never want to lose that mental image of her and i want to be able to return to it in 10 years and laugh my ass off because it is. fucking. priceless.
- had a sort-of-ex-boyfriend. that's a fact that probably won't be that significant once i have a NOT-sort-of boyfriend but an actual one, and i'm not so sure that fact would please my younger self. i don't think she'd be proud of how i handled the situation. come to think of it romance really didn't cross my mind all that much back then, compared to how things are now. but hey, i dumped him, instead of it being the other way round. :D i think she'd be glad to know that much.
- i usually like making lists, but like i always do with my other lists i'm slowly losing interest in this one.
- yeah i really can't think of anything else that would sufficiently paint a portrait of who i am now except maybe listing who all my friends are now and stuff but err that just feels weird lol.
- i still really like orange.
WOW. PROFOUND.
... yeah i like caps.
i'm starting to think that you're less critical and more considerate when your boyfriend's not around. more easy-going, even.
for the past few weeks, especially this one, i've been feeling a little bit like everything i've been doing is wrong and that i should really just stay out of your way. 可说你变得比较计较，因为他简直就是个计较的人? because seriously, that comment about the ice cream was... well, let's put it this way, if YOU ate all my ice cream i wouldn't give a fuck because we established long ago that in this house it was share and share alike. similarly i didn't complain when i roasted a chicken and both of you took some. or when you guys had some of my pasta. i mean, it's just food. we all share our food and that's what we established from day one. your boyfriend is in our house, he follows our house rules.
i just wish you weren't with a person that would bend over backwards just to keep you happy and wouldn't complain about how you complain all the time, because that in itself is irony. he's a guest in this house, so please stop whining about what's not right in it and just suck it up. yes, it's bare, yes, it's empty, but guess what: i'm a fucking student and i don't have the urge to buy all this fucking technology like he does, so he should stop complaining about how we could really do with some gaming console or some random ass technology in the living room because I REALLY DON'T NEED, NOR WANT ONE.
ahhhh. why do i feel so strongly about this. i know he treats you well and that you're happy with him, and i should be happy that you're with someone that doesn't treat you like crap, you got lucky in that sense and all but... ughhh. .___. why.
though if you break up with him, i'll miss his brother.
for the past few weeks, especially this one, i've been feeling a little bit like everything i've been doing is wrong and that i should really just stay out of your way. 可说你变得比较计较，因为他简直就是个计较的人? because seriously, that comment about the ice cream was... well, let's put it this way, if YOU ate all my ice cream i wouldn't give a fuck because we established long ago that in this house it was share and share alike. similarly i didn't complain when i roasted a chicken and both of you took some. or when you guys had some of my pasta. i mean, it's just food. we all share our food and that's what we established from day one. your boyfriend is in our house, he follows our house rules.
i just wish you weren't with a person that would bend over backwards just to keep you happy and wouldn't complain about how you complain all the time, because that in itself is irony. he's a guest in this house, so please stop whining about what's not right in it and just suck it up. yes, it's bare, yes, it's empty, but guess what: i'm a fucking student and i don't have the urge to buy all this fucking technology like he does, so he should stop complaining about how we could really do with some gaming console or some random ass technology in the living room because I REALLY DON'T NEED, NOR WANT ONE.
ahhhh. why do i feel so strongly about this. i know he treats you well and that you're happy with him, and i should be happy that you're with someone that doesn't treat you like crap, you got lucky in that sense and all but... ughhh. .___. why.
though if you break up with him, i'll miss his brother.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
hmm.
it's funny how things and people have changed.
i spent a lot of the past two days going through what i wrote while i was in the IB. lots of self-indulgent nonsense, time spent fretting over something that could have been solved if i'd gone up to the person in question and confronted her about it like a rational person. it's laughable, actually. to think that i put so much emphasis on a friendship that really didn't last. she was my best friend but people change and people move on. i should have given her that instead of wallowing in self-pity, and learned to suck it up and move on.
i move on faster these days. too quickly, some may argue. but hey. i see no sense being upset all the time. if shit happens, you resolve it, and you go on with life. bam, bam. bam. easy as that. and if it's something that can't be solved immediately, you either spend time solving it or just pack the fuck up and move on. i spent two, three years from what happened back then being distant, being numb- and then one day i realised that if i wasn't going to let anyone in, i'd just be lonely for the rest of my life. walking this sea of people alone. so i'm trying, i guess. i don't know how much i believe in auras and the like but when we finally got to meet up in the summer, dahlia said that mine was scattered, chaotic but stable in its mess, but somehow incomplete. healing, she said? haha. i wonder if my aura would feel different now. it's just been a few months but hey, i wonder sometimes, about the supernatural and all that. the personality psychological stuff that she really believes in, that too.
on that topic, apparently my aura?
it's blue.
considering how much i love orange i think it's funny, but fitting at the same time.
dark blue, dark blue. my life's theme song, perhaps? or maybe i just relate too closely to knife.
lol. i would never have thought i'd relate more to him than morrigan when i first wrote in here, but with time i've come to accept that it's true.
i'm also still on ianti. what the fucking hell lol.
sometimes i wonder whether i was more emotionally unstable because i was young, or because i had more free time to think. or maybe i wasn't even that, and it was all some sick cry for attention. probably the latter, actually. during the IB, i remember being happy most of the time. i wonder if i'll look back at my university years and remember being happy most of the time. i probably will. or perhaps it was just a roller-coaster ride of emotions like i am so prone to having all the time.
i'm not feeling particularly happy at myself right now, that's for certain, but i think that despite the usual angst and the emotions that every human is prone to, i am largely happy. (i really need to remember that fact, sometimes, especially the week before my ovaries explode.) and despite my whining and tears about everything being a waste of time, it's great here... i love it in london. i actually do. now if only lse would accept me already-
wow come to think of it this really IS coming full circle. i wrote in here through my applications, and i've revisited it while i'm applying for grad school. well, here i am, and here i am writing. it's definitely not for an audience because i would have posted it on tumblr if it was, but why not on one of my later blogs? i suppose it's because i used to write here while i still wasn't afraid to show others what i thought, what i felt. or at least, open enough to write cryptic messages of self-reproach in public for the world to read rather than just bottling it up beneath a facade of happiness and lulz. i wrote here before i felt the need to put on that brocade, that mask, to use a cliched metaphor.
alexis said that when she first met me, i felt guarded. like i had something to hide. barriers struck really high up and walls built so high that i couldn't climb over them even if i tried. she met me in the middle of the summer, i stopped writing here at the beginning of it. i've always been rather shaky in my trust, yes, or at least i have been since i was fifteen or sixteen. however i never really realised how open i was about my thoughts and feelings despite this until i hit eighteen or so. these things that seem so personal... i can't believe that i showed them to so many people. exposed my heart.
now i pick and choose who i trust, but at least there are people i trust now. i believe this to be wiser. though maybe in three years i'll revisit this again and believe that to be even more foolish. people change and grow, after all, and i think i've grown a fuck ton. i even did a personality test that i took way back when and i got a different result, after all.
so here's wei yun, in 2012... hailing in a new (ish) year. maybe i'll come back to this place once again. maybe this will be the last time, though i sincerely doubt so. either way, i'm glad for this place.
it's let me see how i've changed and grown.
i spent a lot of the past two days going through what i wrote while i was in the IB. lots of self-indulgent nonsense, time spent fretting over something that could have been solved if i'd gone up to the person in question and confronted her about it like a rational person. it's laughable, actually. to think that i put so much emphasis on a friendship that really didn't last. she was my best friend but people change and people move on. i should have given her that instead of wallowing in self-pity, and learned to suck it up and move on.
i move on faster these days. too quickly, some may argue. but hey. i see no sense being upset all the time. if shit happens, you resolve it, and you go on with life. bam, bam. bam. easy as that. and if it's something that can't be solved immediately, you either spend time solving it or just pack the fuck up and move on. i spent two, three years from what happened back then being distant, being numb- and then one day i realised that if i wasn't going to let anyone in, i'd just be lonely for the rest of my life. walking this sea of people alone. so i'm trying, i guess. i don't know how much i believe in auras and the like but when we finally got to meet up in the summer, dahlia said that mine was scattered, chaotic but stable in its mess, but somehow incomplete. healing, she said? haha. i wonder if my aura would feel different now. it's just been a few months but hey, i wonder sometimes, about the supernatural and all that. the personality psychological stuff that she really believes in, that too.
on that topic, apparently my aura?
it's blue.
considering how much i love orange i think it's funny, but fitting at the same time.
dark blue, dark blue. my life's theme song, perhaps? or maybe i just relate too closely to knife.
lol. i would never have thought i'd relate more to him than morrigan when i first wrote in here, but with time i've come to accept that it's true.
i'm also still on ianti. what the fucking hell lol.
sometimes i wonder whether i was more emotionally unstable because i was young, or because i had more free time to think. or maybe i wasn't even that, and it was all some sick cry for attention. probably the latter, actually. during the IB, i remember being happy most of the time. i wonder if i'll look back at my university years and remember being happy most of the time. i probably will. or perhaps it was just a roller-coaster ride of emotions like i am so prone to having all the time.
i'm not feeling particularly happy at myself right now, that's for certain, but i think that despite the usual angst and the emotions that every human is prone to, i am largely happy. (i really need to remember that fact, sometimes, especially the week before my ovaries explode.) and despite my whining and tears about everything being a waste of time, it's great here... i love it in london. i actually do. now if only lse would accept me already-
wow come to think of it this really IS coming full circle. i wrote in here through my applications, and i've revisited it while i'm applying for grad school. well, here i am, and here i am writing. it's definitely not for an audience because i would have posted it on tumblr if it was, but why not on one of my later blogs? i suppose it's because i used to write here while i still wasn't afraid to show others what i thought, what i felt. or at least, open enough to write cryptic messages of self-reproach in public for the world to read rather than just bottling it up beneath a facade of happiness and lulz. i wrote here before i felt the need to put on that brocade, that mask, to use a cliched metaphor.
alexis said that when she first met me, i felt guarded. like i had something to hide. barriers struck really high up and walls built so high that i couldn't climb over them even if i tried. she met me in the middle of the summer, i stopped writing here at the beginning of it. i've always been rather shaky in my trust, yes, or at least i have been since i was fifteen or sixteen. however i never really realised how open i was about my thoughts and feelings despite this until i hit eighteen or so. these things that seem so personal... i can't believe that i showed them to so many people. exposed my heart.
now i pick and choose who i trust, but at least there are people i trust now. i believe this to be wiser. though maybe in three years i'll revisit this again and believe that to be even more foolish. people change and grow, after all, and i think i've grown a fuck ton. i even did a personality test that i took way back when and i got a different result, after all.
so here's wei yun, in 2012... hailing in a new (ish) year. maybe i'll come back to this place once again. maybe this will be the last time, though i sincerely doubt so. either way, i'm glad for this place.
it's let me see how i've changed and grown.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
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