OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT

i've actually probably actually managed to pinpoint the fucking problem that has permeated my entire life up until this point. i am /SCARED SHITLESS/ of people figuring me out. that's what it is. like 'hello i am private person' and that's why i used to?? still???? okay maybe not so much. have so many walls and that sort of bullshit. like it's not even like there are any secrets i'm literally just scared of people figuring out who i am because i feel like if they did they would lose a lot of respect for me. and i think that also comes as a result of being so critical of other people.

because HONESTLY SPEAKING i don't think i'm a shittier person than anyone else out there. sure i've got some mean cynical thoughts and i can be kind of bitchy/gossipy but uh i think literally everyone else can be like that. but for some reason i don't want people figuring me out 100%. only one maybe two people have the 95%. the other 5% is denial so maybe they've figured that out too.

and that's why i think this scares me. THIS IS WHY I GET SO PARANOID WHEN TWO OF MY FRIENDS FROM TWO DIFFERENT CIRCLES GET TOGETHER AND COMPARE NOTES BECAUSE WELL I SHOW ALL CIRCLES DIFFERENT SIDES OF ME. this is literally it. this is the nail on the head.

honestly though WHAT?? IS THERE TO HIDE?? WHAT IS THERE TO BE SCARED ABOUT???? LIKE THIS IS LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PROBLEM it's like i'm guarding something and everyone assumes that it's some sort of fort knox of secrets but you stare inside and it's literally just trash. no deep dark secrets here (none that at least one person doesn't know, anyway.)

INCREDIBLE. HOW DID IT TAKE ME TWENTY-THREE YEARS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. i am SUCH a fucking genius. so on one hand it's like LIGHTBULB WENT OFF but on the other hand it's like. are you FUCKING kidding me. someone give me my money back, i want a refund containing my common sense. until then i am returning to the memebin where i belong in PROTEST of what just happened over the past few years because I AM A FUCKING FUMB SHIT who can't even spell dumb properly holy cow.

at least i've realized what the problem is. christ i don't even know whether i want to talk about it with the people that sort of made it resurface because this... really isn't their fault. it's more mine than anything else. and i don't want to jeapordize anything. but i'm still scared. and i think this might be why i've been kind of bad with relationships. like i'm not unattractive (at least i don't think i am) but i'm p sure that i do give off the aura of someone who's kind of closed off.

like 'beep beep no going past wall 1 nyooooom'

this is why i still wanna write dumb messed up cal tbh, because i feel u bro.